your addiction

I haven’t heard from you in some time.  That’s never good.
For the umpteenth time you were getting yourself clean.  I got that familiar phone call from you…telling me you had enough.  things were different this time.  You were going to succeed in getting clean.
If I had a dollar for every time you and I acted out that scenario.
When you ended up in the hospital…well really that was my last straw.  I was too emotionally invested in you…in us.
You were my best friend.  11 years of loving you…you loving me.  I have ached for that the past few years.
But I had to back away.  You were killing me in the process of killing you.  Your addiction is so evil and self centred.
A couple months ago I got *the* call.  You tried to die.  A part of me wondered if perhaps you should.  I don’t mean that in a mean and spiteful way.  All I meant by that was…if you are destined for a life so full of agony and pain…perhaps i wasn’t someone who should judge.  I wasn’t the one sticking needles in my arms, snorting shit up my nose…going on binges that lasted for days.
No I was the one who went searching for you for a month when you were missing…I was the one for years thinking that you were dead.  I was the one who layed awake at night and wondered if you were still alive…i was the one watching you die.  I was the one crying for you…and loving you so very much.
I think I have been prepared for your death for a while now.
I know, in my heart of hearts you are using again.  It’s not like us to not talk.  I don’t know if you are dead or alive.  See, when you were missing…your parents called me 20 times a day…EVERY day.  Sadly, they would never call me to let me know if anything happened.
So perhaps I need to tell my heart…that you are gone.  Cause truth be told…your addiction has killed the person I loved.  I don’t even know you any more.
And i am tired.  Very very tired…
Although i have backed away…very far away…and refuse to call you…to show you that you affect me…I still sit here in the late night hours wondering if you are ok.

I fuking HATE your addiction.

he’s gone…

They say that it is somehow easier to deal with death when someone you love dies from a long illness.  I’d like to know who “they” are.  I have some questions.

My godfather passed away last night.  I have known for some time that he was dying.  I was able to say my good bye’s and spend some time with him while he was still “him”.

For that, I am grateful.

I don’t think that knowing he was dying made anything easier.  Everyone is dying.  We know that we are all going to die someday…so really it shouldn’t come as a surprise.  I think knowing that he was dying just made me cry longer.  I’ve cried more than I care to admit these past couple of months over his impending death…and now he is gone.

I cried when I received the news, I cried before I fell asleep…and I woke up this morning and cried some more.

I am forever grateful that he didn’t suffer much.  I will be forever grateful that he is now in peace and no longer fighting this demon we call cancer.  I will be forever grateful that I had such a wonderful man in my life…for 34 years.  I will be forever grateful for all the memories I have inside my heart.

But knowing that he was dying didn’t take away the grief.  It just took away the element of surprise I suppose.

Knowing that he was dying didn’t comfort or soothe me.  It didn’t make any of this better.

I have dealt with people dying unexpectedly and now I have dealt with someone slowly dying.  I can’t say one trumps the other in grief.  Equal grief…death is death is death.

And he’s gone.  And my heart feels like it’s been trampled on.

I know it gets better.  I know that this too shall pass.

But right now…in this moment…I don’t feel ok.  I don’t want to feel ok.  I want him back happy and healthy.  I want things to be like they were before.

I know…I know.  No can do.

My belly hurts…I think it’s my heart really…hiding, cause it needs to mend a little.

I love you nouno. 

I miss you so much.

what’s the rush???

I don’t understand some people.

I know a girl who falls in love at the drop of a dime.  She is in love with love.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in love and to share that with someone.  Everyone deserves to find that.

My concern lies in the fact, that after just shy of 3 months…her and her partner have already set a move in date.

How do you really know someone after 3 months??  You are still in the honey moon stage of your relationship.  Everything is amazing…you are having so much fun getting to know each other…and the sex is mind blowing.  I KNOW how it feels to be on cloud 9 at the beginning of any relationship.

But do you really know that person in 3 months?  Do we really show our true selves within that time?  After a while, all those cute things your partner does may become somewhat annoying.  You don’t really “know” this person…never mind what it would be like to live with them.

Is it really true?  Do lesbians really have a U Haul attached to their asses???

Not this one. 

Whatever happened to dating…being in a committed relationship without the sudden urge to play house???

I understand that it works for some people.  I understand the theory of love at first sight.  I understand that feeling of not wanting to spend a day without seeing the face of the person you are with. 

But seriously…what’s the rush????  Do people understand the level of commitment it involves taking up house together?  If you intend on spending the rest of your days with that person…why the urgency?  I know an argument can be made for the other side of the coin..that if you know this is the one, why NOT just do it.

I’ve had 2 live in partners.  Although I was madly in love I also had the sense to wait.  I waited over a year with both relationships…really got to know them.  How we handled arguments…learned eachother’s behaviours…got to know them as the people that they are without the love blinders on.  Obviously waiting the year did not help my first long term relationship….but i honestly believe that had we not waited, it would have ended much sooner.  This of course is all just my opinion.

I guess to each their own…but it just drives me a little batty that people jump into things so quickly!!! 
Am I wrong here???

I am sure it’s not just a lesbian thing…I’ve seen it in straight people too.  I just wonder why…

and so it goes…

I must say that i am happy to see 2007 go.
Not that it was a terrible year, but it wasn’t the greatest…no it wasn’t.

2007 was a year of sickness…of illness.  True I had health battles of my own, but it is not my own that have affected me.  People I care about, people that had a profound effect on my life, people that I love, and people that I love facing illness with those that they love.  A vicious circle of life i suppose.

2008 didn’t start off so great either.  On the 4th of January, a beloved pup had to be put down.  He was a wonderful dog, and I loved him so much although he wasn’t “mine”.  He was my partners dog that her ex had “custody” of.  Some people call the dynamics of our relationship “weird”.  Weird that we all get along so well and choose to stay in eachother’s lives.  Because of this “weird” relationship I was allowed to spend his last night cuddled up in bed with him, to say my goodbyes.  I sometimes think that losing a pet is harder than losing a human.  I’m not so sure.  I will let you know.  I sit here at home looking at all the collars, once occupied by the fur children i once had…they just sit there as reminders…like all things…everything must end.
On Chritmas Eve, I went and said good bye to my godfather.  He is dying from liver cancer.  It was bitter sweet…however I am grateful that I had the opportunity.  He wanted to die at home…and I just found out today that he was transferred to a hopsital.  He will never go home again.  He is a proud man….who has lost his dignity from this cruel thing called cancer.  I can cry and say it isn’t fair that he die like this.  But like he told me….life is for the living and death is for those who have lived.  I wish for him a quick and painless death.  I ultimately wish for him to live forever, but since that is not in the nature of living…i’ll stop my wishing.  This man is my second father.  I feel such a loss, although he still is here.

I am hoping 2008 gets better…I don’t want it to be known as the year of death and dying.
I believe that i have come to an age, where this death business will be alot more common than not.  It’s a part of living…the cycle of life.  Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like a son of a bitch.

I’ve never been good with death…I am not so sure many of us are.  I see others around me so stoic, so strong…and i find myself crumbling into a million little pieces.  Odd since I am freakishly strong in every other aspect of my life.

And so, I hope for a wonderful year full of love and happiness…because although all i seem to be talking about in this post is depressing…there was much good in 2007.  I love and am loved…i have my friends and my family.  I have made new friends and am surrounded by love each and every single day.  That’s gotta count for something.  The pain is part of the package, and i guess i am ok with that…i have no choice really.  I’ll take the pain because all the good i have certainly does outweigh it…it just doesn’t feel that way at the moment.