trust…

I had a friend over for dinner last night.  I haven’t seen her in about 2 years, so it was great to see her and catch up.  I think I had a bit too much wine lol, but it was fun.

She finally got to meet my partner and it seems that they hit it off pretty well…that always makes me feel good.

We started talking about the past…as old friends often do…and she told me things that struck a chord in me…things I didn’t know before.

Her and my ex at one point became very good friends.  I more than encouraged a friendship between the both of them.  I am not the jealous type, and it was difficult for my ex to make friends…I thought it was great…and more importantly I trusted both of them.

One day, I walked into the bedroom and found my ex on the phone…speaking quietly.  It totally threw me off.  It wasn’t the fact that she was on the phone…it was the secrecy behind it all.  
She was talking to my friend…and when she got off the phone I voiced my opinion and how suddenly their friendship was concerning me.  I mean if you are just friends, why the secret phone calls?  I understand wanting some privacy, going into another room for quiet…etc.  I talked to my friend the next day…and apparently her boyfriend also had an issue with their developing friendship…he didn’t feel comfortable with it either (to be fair, the man is not very comfortable with gay people in his life)

I didn’t want their friendship to end…I just think it needed some boundaries.

Anyways…I found out last night that my ex would take the dog out for walks just to call my friend.  I never knew this.

It may not sound like a big deal…but to me it’s huge.

See…she obviously had a big crush on my friend…which I even knew back when we were together…I naively thought it was “cute”.

My ex was/is a preacher of morals…she was big on trust, big on being loyal.  I mean we lived together for over a year after we broke up and she didn’t want either of us to get into a relationship until she moved out because she felt it would be disrespectful to our relationship.

Meanwhile, I find out that she would sneak out of the house to call my friend.  This bothers me…it bothers me because I trusted her.  It bothers me because those phone calls were done behind my back.  If she was just a friend…why hide the calls? 

Through our whole break up she always threw in my face how loyal and dedicated she was to our relationship (as I was)…and always accused me of straying.

I have a hard time trusting people.  When I do trust someone, it’s with all of my heart.  I am not going to bring this up with the ex…because..well it’s the past and it’s done.

If my partner today felt that she needed to leave the house just to make a phone call…well it would hurt.  I wouldn’t tolerate it.  I’m not one for secrets…especially the cheating kind.  That’s what it feels like…like the ex was trying to move to the next level with my friend…

I would hope that if my partner was interested in someone…that she would have the respect to TELL me…and then proceed…

Just venting….

i wish her well…

I’ve been trying really hard to let go of the past.  I’ve done a great job thus far.  There are times where I am reminded of her…where her name may come up…and all those feelings resurface.

It’s not so much about the anger or the hate anymore…I struggle with the “what ifs”.  Her role in my partners life…has caused me to make adjustments to mine…our life together.  I do know that there is nothing that we cannot over come.  We are a team, and I am true to my commitment.  I love her more than I have loved anyone.

It is the woman before me that haunts me sometimes.  Thank God it’s not like before, but her memory does haunt.

So much happened in such a small time frame…so many life altering things…and I wonder if karma has played her role yet.  When I think of her now, it’s not with spite…it’s not with anger.  I have accepted that what has happened cannot be changed…and that I must and CAN live with the outcome.  Everything happens for a reason…and perhaps this other woman is the reason I am with my partner…

No, when I think of her now…I wonder if she has learned her lessons.  I wonder if all the turmoil she caused has taught her anything.  I wonder if she learned anything being alone in her skin…and I wonder if it affects her that she has altered someone’s life so profoundly…from one mistake.

Life is about learning lessons…and for some reason I truly hope she learned hers…because the mistakes she made in the past are just not worth repeating.

Everyone deserves to be happy…even her.  I’ll give her that.

I wish her well.  I never thought I would…but I do.

valentines day is every day…

I’ve never been one for Valentine’s Day.  I found I thought TOO much into the whole commercial aspect of it all.

I found I got a little bitter at the fact that there was a day created to show someone how much you love them.

I don’t want a “day”. 

I want to be loved every single day of my life, I want to feel loved…

(really…I am NOT high maintenance lol)

And here I am.  I am in such a loving relationship.  I am loved in ways I could only dream about before.  Every day is Valentines Day.  I know it sounds corny but it’s so true.  I am not saying our relationship goes on with zero conflict…yet even in conflict there is love.  She does little things every single day that make me feel respected, valued and completely loved.  It can be the simple act of making the bed (I hate getting into an unmade bed)  to cooking my favourite meal, to running a bath for me when I’ve had a very trying day.  It’s the way that I catch her looking at me when I’m not paying attention…that takes my breath away.  The way she reaches out to hold me when we are watching tv.  The way she rolls over in bed just to hold me when we are sleeping.  Even in sleep she is thinking about me.  It’s the way that we can laugh together till we are crying…or talk so seriously we speak in hushed tones.  It’s the way she stops whatever she is doing just to say “hey, I love you”.  The way we have the same thoughts and finish each others sentences.

We’ve known each other for a very long time.  We have over a decade of friendship under our belts, 3 years of being lovers…and over 2 years of being committed partners.  I am done searching.  As far as I am concerned, I have found my other half.  I have found the one I want to spend the rest of my living days with…the one I want to raise children with.  I have found the “one”.  And what a relief.  I am thankful to all my ex’s who helped me become the person I am today…without them, I would never be with who I was intended to be with.

So this Valentines…I am happy to celebrate my love.  Because I am loved every single day…I don’t mind taking a day and celebrating it.

I don’t need much…and what I have is more than enough for me.

decisions

I am not out to my family. 
The mere thought of telling them frightens me.
I come from a very old school European family…they frown upon anything outside of our cultural norm.  Telling my family I am gay would make them disown me forever.
But I’m gay.  It’s obvious it’s not a phase…I am with the love of my life…and hope to spend the rest of my days with her.  We talk about marriage, we talk about children…we talk and we want. 
But I cannot do all these things in the closet.  I cannot even keep up with my lies anymore.  I know that i will feel a sense of peace when i do eventually come out…but again, the mere thought of doing it scares me.
I am not ready to lose them…although they do not know (how they don’t know is beyond me) I love having them in my life.  To have them not is not something i am ready to face.
My partner doesn’t pressure me either way.  She supports all my decisions…supports me as her partner, as her lover.
One day I hope to find that back bone of mine…and be able to stand strong and tell my family the way it is…and walk away and be ok with the fact that i have lost them forever.
I am not so young anymore…and the clock is ticking for me in terms of having a baby.  I was born to be a mom…and it’s sad that I am letting my fear of their reaction stop me from doing what it is that I have always wanted to do.

Just getting it out there…so it’s not lingering inside of me.