no more drama puhhlease…

I’ve had  a couple of trying weeks…actually just the weekends.

It seems that people wanted to make me the centre of their drama…and I have no time or desire to participate.  I wonder how I can be the centre of drama when I am not even there to witness said drama.

Now if I were the centre of the universe…I could deal with that J

It seems to me that the more I ignore the drama queens, the angrier they get.

Really people…you are not children, for gods sake, you men are old enough to be my father!

The he said she said games should have ended a long time ago…like high school perhaps?  The whole time I have known these men (since maybe November) there has been nothing but drama…never mind how high maintenance they are.  Just because you are gay and I am gay, does not make us automatic BFF’s.  The mentality just kills me!

I thought I was dealing with grown men, but apparently I have been mistaken.

So like a good adult girl, I didn’t like the direction our “friendship” was heading so I took a break.  My weekends are very precious to me, I work all week…the last thing I need is to be in the middle of their shit storm.  So I backed off and took some “me” time.  Apparently that makes me a bitch.

And to add to all this…their daughter is “madly in love with me”.  She doesn’t even know me…but whatever floats her boat I guess.  The fact that I do not reciprocate these feelings makes me a terrible person.  Never mind that they are fully aware I am in a relationship with someone who has been in my life for over 13 years…but I am the bitch.

Last time I checked I was an adult.  I left the games where they belong…on the school ground.  It is sad that I need to tell these men to grow up.  

What is even more sad is that their drama has infected my life momentarily.

I am a kind person…but there is only so much I can take…I would hate to scream out a hearty “fuck off” and call it a night.

Sorry if this is all over the place, I just had to get it out.

Happy Friday everyone!!

Ode to the ex…

I met up with the ex last week.  We have been ex’s for a good 3 years but have been able to maintain a friendship at a rather healthy level.  She was a very important part of my life and I guess in a sense will always be.  She is definitely the person responsible for opening up my heart in ways I never knew existed, and teaching me the true meaning of love.  She loved me in ways I was not accustomed to, and she showed me I was worth being loved.

In the relationship world, we just didn’t work.  I think there were so many outside factors that contributed to our demise, so many personal issues that we leaned on eachother so very hard as friends…somewhere along the lines our romantic love fell to the way side.  I wished for a very long time that we could resurrect the dead…but soon realized it was mission impossible.  I loved her dearly…just no longer romantically.

It was hard to maintain a friendship when she moved out.  She still wanted to make things work and I didn’t.  I looked at her as a friend, no longer a lover.  So I made sure contact at the beginning was very minimal and rarely made plans to spend time with her.

Now that she has moved on with her life, and I have as well, our friendship seems more natural.

Anyways…spending time with her last week made me realize the little things about her that drove me crazy.  Just little things…and reminded me yet again why we never would have worked.  Her inability to listen, like to really listen.  The way I could tell her something a million times and she would doubt me to the end…but if someone else said the same thing…she would believe them.  Again, little things…but things none the less.  It was just a reminder that I was in a place I wanted to be…and being with her was not part of the equation.  I was reminded of the reasons I love her not.

I got an email yesterday…her mom had been in a car wreck (not serious thank god) and just her words…her heart…she has such a huge heart…reminded me of all the reasons I fell in love with her in the first place.  Her partner is lucky to have her…I was lucky too…a long time ago…we just weren’t compatible.

Once upon a time, I loved her very much…and a part of me will always love her.  I am thankful she will always be a part of my ever crazy life.

eventually…i DO get it

I am quite lucky.

I have a woman in my life that would never second guess stepping in to defend my honour.  Someone who will stand up for me, and set anyone who even attempts to do me wrong…straight.

I have never been loved in that capacity…I have never had someone love me so much, that they would defend all that I am.  Stand up for me no matter what.

It is very honouring…

It makes me love her more every day.

She respects our relationship, what took us years to accomplish.  She holds my hand through my darkest hours, and laughs the loudest at my joy.

I never doubt her love for me…I know she loves me.  Her actions speak louder than her words ever could.

I could go on forever about the things she does to me…but it would take days.  The point is, I know I always have her on my side.

 

So…I befriended a girl at one of the bars my partner works at.  A much younger girl.  I thought her to be nice and very friendly. She was very well aware that my partner and I were together…she knew the whole story…and I had assumed I was very clear.   Then all this he said she said stuff started happening out of the blue…and I was thrown into drama I never saw coming.

This girl decided to send me an email proclaiming her undying love for me.  Flattering?  Sure I guess.  But the more I thought about it, the more it upset me.  She knew that I was in a relationship, befriended my lover and all the while was disrespecting my relationship.  I of course shared this email with my partner.  It wouldn’t be right not to.  Understandably she was upset about the email…

Tonight she asked me if I was going to respond to it…tell her how I felt about it.  I told her that part of me thought to just let it be…and my partner seemed unusually quiet.

Then it dawned on me.  She just wanted to be heard…she wanted to be defended.  She wanted me to stand up to the fact that our relationship had been disrespected.  My silence on the matter offended her. 

She is the first to stand up for me…and my feelings…and our relationship…and I sat quietly on the side lines saying nothing.

I responded to this email, and made it very clear that I will not tolerate her disrespect for my partner or my relationship.

I am proud to stand up and take action, and not sit silently in the corner and let someone walk all over my partners feelings.  She deserves more than that.

I am slow…but I got it.  That’s all that matters.

learning lessons…

Life is about tests.  A series of events that test you and make you question who you are, question the core of your soul.

People…things…make you second guess yourself.  Situations, turn of events.  Everything is a series of tests….but not the kind you pass or fail.

 

I am not about fame or wealth.  I do not take front row in the popularity contest of life.  I live quite simply.  I live quietly and I am quite content doing so.

I come from the school of thought where I believe in treating everyone equally.  I am no better than those around me…and I am no worse.

I wear the shoe on the other foot most of the time.  When someone I care about is in pain, I too feel that pain.  I would do whatever I could to make them feel better, to put a smile on their face.  I treat everyone the way I desire to be treated.  I respect everyone’s emotions…feelings, whether they mirror my own or not.  I listen to those who need someone to listen, because everyone has a story that needs telling.  I do what I can to live this life as a good person.

I do not live my life as a good person for the brownie points it may give me when this living is done.  I do not read and live the bible.  I believe in a higher being…who or what that is, is unclear to me, yet I believe in “something”.  I live my life as a good person because that is how I am wired.

It just doesn’t make sense to me why I would try to live it any other way.  I am not saying I am a saint…I have made my mistakes…but I live my life today…being as good as I can…do the best that I can do…and I live comfortably in my skin.

 

I don’t expect anything in return.  Only respect. 

I wonder why it still shocks me when someone takes advantage of my kindness…takes advantage of my empathy…to only benefit themselves.

I am not a game, nor a toy…I am not to be played with.

But I am sitting here tonight…wondering how my kindness to a mere stranger was used to manipulate me…to be so disrespected…

How I constantly turn a blind eye and allow people to walk all over all that is me.

Why it is me who sits here and wonders how this could happen???

I guess it’s game over…another lesson learned. 

I am sure when this disappointment wanes, I too shall be thankful for this.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger….

Lather, rinse, repeat