that forever thing…

I’ve been thinking too much again.  Odd I know J

 

I’ve been thinking of the idea of forever.  You know, something lasting a lifetime.  That kind of forever always scared me.  I never believed in it…and I really still don’t.

It’s a nice concept, that forever thing.

I would love nothing more than to say that I will be with my partner till the day I die.  But I don’t know that.

See, I am so in love that sometimes I panic at the “what if’s”.  Will we still be together 3 years from now?  Will someone younger, prettier make her heart race…the way I did all those years ago?

Should I feel panicked when things seem too routine???

No.

And I know that…deep down in the sane part of my brain.

But I analyze things till my brain bleeds…and sometimes it’s just not good!

Bottom line…I am not worried.  Why worry about the things you have no control over?  If it happens, it happens.

In the meantime…I love her like crazy.  More so every day.  So that’s all I need.  If it happens to last forever…well all the better for me!

it still amazes me…

that after THREE years…
the nights that you are working, are the nights i go to bed the latest.
I can’t sleep without you here.
I toss and turn…and pass out eventually.
the nights u are home are the earliest that i find slumber…
It must be your arms…or your breath on my ear.
It’s still love baby…cause it’s really late at night…and instead of sleeping peacefully…i’m just writing about you.

you think i don’t know…

but i do.

You think your efforts are cleaverly disguised…and that i would never know the lengths you go to..
to get a glimpse of the life i live…that does not include you.

but i know.

I know that you look in on me…i know that you check in on me…and the way that you have found my “safe place” is beyond healthy.
Back off…I am not interested…I have no desire to date you, to bed you, to love you.
I have no desire to share the personal…sacred parts of myself with you…
And you going waaaay out of your way to find this…is way too creepy.
Get a hobby, one that doesn’t include stalking me.  Cause this is what it is that you are doing.

I have been nothing but nice up to this point.  Don’t make me take out my bitch card.  It’s not pretty.
You think i don’t know…but i do. 
I know….so i kindly suggest that you stop doing what you are doing.  because what you are doing could be interpreted as harassment…and I’ve been too nice and too quiet for far too long.

Don’t push me…this bitch will bite.

hormonal hiatus…

I’ve been away far too long.  My brain has been on a hiatus…

I’ve had little trivial happenings going on, but just the thought of sitting down and writing them out tired me…

I have not been myself as of late…I wake up every morning wondering when I will be coming back…

Parts of me are constant…I still laugh and joke….

But man, I have started crying like a little girly girl lol

My doctor decided she would like to see how my body reacted to the bc pill.  I was willing to try it considering my hormones are so outta whack on a good day…and I had nothing to lose.

Did I mention I am 34 and have never taken the pill before?

Well, nausea is a daily thing for me.  Oddly enough…I can deal with that.  As quickly as it comes it goes…and life resumes back to normal.

It’s the crazy mood swings that I am finding so difficult.  I will cry at the drop of a dime.  It doesn’t matter what it is…if it moves me, I am pile of mush on the floor.

I heard about a man who was struck by lightening and killed the other day (yes, very sad in it’s own rite)  But I cried.  I thought about him, 28 years young, the family he left behind…and I wept as if I knew him.  Can we say straight jacket????  This from a girl who is generally a rock.

I go from crazy happy to supreme bitch in .2 seconds…how my partner hasn’t walked out is beyond me!!!!

Now when I have a moment…she looks at me…and all she says is “hormones” and shakes her head…which in turn makes me laugh for being a total hormonal idiot. Lol

I hope all this balances itself out.  I am tired of being a “moosh moosh” as my partner calls it.

I’d like to trade in my girly parts for a pair of brass balls please.  All the girly emotional tear jerking crap is making me hate myself!

Today is a better day tho…lets hope for more good than bad.

As you were…