my friend richard

Richard was my Dominion boy.  I say boy, but in years he was very much a man.
Richard is special.  So very special.  He has the biggest most beautiful eyes that light up in ways i couldn’t even describe in words when he sees people he likes.  He gets excited and stutters when he sees you approaching.  His smile is enough to make you smile even bigger…even on your most craptastic day.  He wants to hug you, you can see it in his body language, but i think he’s been told he is not supposed to hug the customers.
I let him hug me anyways.
It didn’t matter if a day had gone by or a week…everytime he saw me walking towards the door he would start walking towards me and exclaim “WHERE have you been?!!  Long time no see!  Do you remember my name?”
I would smile and say each and every time “of course I do…you are Richard the unforgettable!” (he would say ‘richard the unforgettable’ with me) and we would giggle like little kids.
He would tell me about his day as he walked me in…and we always ended with a ’see you later’.
Unfortunately not everyone thinks Richard is special.  Apparently some people think that Richard didn’t even deserve to have eye contact, or wouldn’t respond to his ‘good morning’.  Some people would even look at him as if he had two heads.  His eyes always seemed dark…and wounded…but u could barely notice.  As if he was used to that from people.
But there were those who would engage in a conversation with him, those who would take interest in his day to day…even if it was a story of sitting at home watching tv and eating popcorn…they listened…
Richard always smiled.  I don’t think i recall him with a sad face.  He loved his job and it mattered.  Of course it mattered.
I haven’t seen my Richard in about 2 months…since i moved.  I wonder if he is sad, or worried, or even upset.  I never told him i was leaving.  I wonder if he looks for me.
It kinda breaks my heart.
I was thinking about him tonight while i ran into metro…
I miss him.
Maybe one day i’ll drive out of my way just to see my richard…the unforgettable.

it was a day…

i woke up this morning and went to hop in the shower…
the shower was broken.
There I was fighting with the “knobby thing-a-ma-jig” trying to turn it from bath to shower…it was not a pretty sight…and i did not win.
I do not have time to have a bath in the morning…i barely have time to breathe in the morning let alone have a soak in the tub…so to say my routine was totally thrown off was an understatement.
I have a hard time as it is waking up…but this morning i woke up to the sound of my blackberry vibrating in my purse in the OTHER ROOM.  Why is someone emailing me at 6am???  Well it wasn’t someone…it was 5 different emails from 5 different people.  I was ever so thankful this morning for the gift of the crackberry…so much so i had to stop myself from throwing it against the wall.
While washing my face i felt something rather painful beside my eye…not to worry…i was just growing a big ass pimple…which i kindly refer to as my third eye.
So i got into the car unscathed (shocker) and as i was driving into the office i developed a magical hole in my lip…and coffee went everywhere…nice.
I got to work and took off my coat and realized I had beautiful white streaks all over my red top.  Apparently i don’t know how to put deodorant on.
I sat there for a second totally defeated and wondered why the hell i even got outta bed this morning…if this was how my day was starting…i didn’t even want to know how it would end.
N walked in right after me all shiny and happy and announced “I almost ran you over, just for fun!!” Apparently i didn’t see her moving vehicle and walked right in front of it.  She should have used me for target practice…today would have been a good day.
AND i am a day late…i am never late…but today my uterus is upset with me.  I don’t blame her…i can’t even stand myself at this point.
So N and i shoot the shit like we do every morning…as we are the only 2 people who actually get to the office on time…and decide to go get a coffee.  I get back to my desk and place the coffee down, and manage to swing my arm and knock the cup into right field.  I don’t know how it missed N.
And i laffed…for i think a good 10 minutes.  And N was laffing cause i was laffing…and her laff made me laff harder…which made her laff harder and before we knew it we are sprawled on the floor crying….as the GM walks by and says goodmorning ladies lol.  We stopped laughing…as we heard him chuckle on the way to his office.
I returned a few phone messages…let people yell at me…let someone tell me his life story…i swear my ear was bleeding i was so bored…
And then i returned the only call i was dreading…a woman who has been trying to get a hold of me since Nov 7th.  I was prepared for the worst.
She was sweeter than pie.  She said it was like Christmas just hearing my voice.  She said i made her day.  Talk about the unexpected response.
J came by my desk and saw the new picture I put up of my niece…the one i can’t stop staring at…and J said she was beautiful…then she got welly ( J always gets welly lol) and said she looks just like me.
<happy auntie sigh>
The office was dead and it just happened that my favourite people were in the office today…and so we were loud and silly and pulling pranks most of the day.  I really do heart these friends of mine.
Lunch time came and my lunch lady gave me a double choc cookie…for free.  why?  just cause.  It made me grin huge…cause that meant i could give D the cookie he has been craving allllll morning.
My boss came by in the afternoon just to say “hey”.  I like it when she does that.  We also shot the shit…like 2 people…not like boss/coworker.  We are still wanting to take belly dance classes together!!  Anyways, she turns around and sees the pic of my niece…and swoons and sighs and says she is soooo beautiful…and i say “i know” lol…i tell her about the keepsake blanket i ordered her…and she tells me about the “fuckwit” she just talked to on the phone…and she leaves. lol
End of the day i got an email from P.  My heart started beating a mile a minute.  I opened it and i swear all i could see was “blah blah blah blah” and then the last line.  “p.s i miss ya”  and i got warm and fuzzy and teary eyed even tho i didn’t want to.  Even when you let someone “go”…your heart is still the same…your love is still there…it isn’t easy.  I will write P a looong email tomorrow…and see what happens from that.

So…the day started off quite shitty…and oddly enough i haven’t laughed like this at work in the longest time. The day turned out great.
The universe has a way of balancing everything out…the universe has my back.
If the universe could also make sure i come home tomorrow to a working shower…i wouldn’t mind.

elle bee…

Thank you for the impromptu date last night

You know how I thrive on the unexpected.

The fact that I was sitting here in my pj’s and hair tied up and you still wanted to take me out into the world…

I had no make up on and you told me that my skin looked like porcelain.

You made my eyes shy.

You wanted to drive to the mall in a snow storm, just to buy me something pretty.

Thank you for pretending to take an interest and taking me to window shop for a new hair dryer.

Thank you for making me your first thought and your only priority.

Thank you for thinking of me.

Thank you for the dinner and the wine…and the laughter…and I thank you for the seriousness in between.

I now promote you. You are more than just LB.

I now pronounce you “Elle Bee” cause it sounds fancier and more special

And you are fancy and special to me

Great…now I want to call you fancy pants…

So in private I shall call you Elle Bee Fancy Pants…

Ok and probably here too…

But tonight you are “Elle Bee” ruler of my thoughts….

The reason I am awake

Eyes wide open.

Elle Bee

I like it.

I like you.

time…

Someone brilliant told me tonight “we will never have today again”.

That’s all it takes to get the wheels turning in my head…actually it doesn’t take much at all.  It’s how I’m wired.  My brain doesn’t have an off switch.  I am always thinking…always analyzing…always always always.  Could be why I am always tired.

The days go by so quickly…time travels faster than I can keep up most days.  I’m always asking for more time…there’s so much to do…and no time.
If I were given more time…what would I do with it?  Would I waste it away?  Would I justify my need?  Would I piss it all away and cry out for more??
Something I’ve always wondered….I complain about wanting more….but what I have is enough…isn’t it?

I am a reflective person.  This time of year is one of my favourites…and oddly enough one of my saddest.  I love the beginning of fall…when the leaves are changing colour, and the nights are cool enough to wrap yourself in a blanket.  When it’s still light enough outside when you get home from work to do things rather than stay in and hibernate.  When it starts getting colder and darker…my joy for the season seems to fly south.  Every year I just go with the flow and count the days ‘till spring.

I think about where I was years ago this time.  Where I was 10 years ago…3 years ago…hell a year ago.

Every year I was somewhere different…very different.
Evolving in different ways…growing pains, tragedies, joys…the normal cycle of life.

I look back and I don’t even recognize who I was…

When I look at that girl…who was me….i feel removed…like an outsider looking in.  She looks like me (ok ok maybe a little thinner, and younger then) but she doesn’t resonate who I am.  I don’t know her…but I used to….many moons ago.

We are always growing, and changing.  For the better I would hope…but we are definitely changing.  The things I have learned…the things I have lived…the things that have morphed me into the person I am today…I needed them all.  The things that I thought would break me, only made me stronger…the things I thought I needed in order to inhale and exhale…were things I didn’t need at all.  The things that made me cry like a child, were only a release for things to come.  I am not sure how many times I’ve shed my skin and became whole and new…but I know I am not done.

We are not guaranteed an eternity.  We are only allotted a certain amount of time here.  It’s up to us what we do with it.  I’ve got things to do…and time is not stopping for me while I try to make up my mind.

Yes…we will never have today again…but we are not promised  a tomorrow either.  That is the nature of time.