things you wish i never shared…

V is the mother hen at my work.  She “takes care” of me.  It’s sweet really.  She is an older woman, mother of two older teenagers, and her British accent makes me wanna curl up on her lap and let her rub my head till I fall asleep.

V started 2009 as a brand new woman.  She came to the office with a new hair style…with highlights AND low lights…new clothes…and dare I even say it…wearing makeup!  It was so nice to see her doing something for HER…her whole life is about her kids.

Well I noticed something else…V was sporting a fancy black pair of leg warmers.  Yep.  Right on top of her fancy brand new dress pants.

Aack!!!

Leg warmers!!

Suddenly I got thrown head first…back into the 80’s.  Visions of body suits, teased bangs, final net, hair scrunchies, shoulder pads, came flashing before my eyes…and I just wanted to scream STOP!

I was a cool 80’s chick lol.  Ok, so there was nothing cool about the 80’s…anywayz.

But V’s leg warmers made me reflective…and so my brain went.

I had every colour of legwarmers known to man.  My blue and purple ones being my most favourite.

I had matching body suits and leotards…and dare I say…matching head bands.  I was stylin’.

I never wore this ensemble to school or anything…it was in the privacy of my own home.

I would race home from school and do my chores…then get all dressed up…even put on a little make up…and…wait for it….

Turn on the VHS…and throw in the 20 Minute Work Out.

I LOVED the 20 Minute Workout.  If you were a child of the 80’s you know exactly what I am talking about.

Three women working out, in the “cutest” outfits…for 20 min.

My favourite girl was Bess Motta.  It frightens me that I still remember her name. I loved her name…I never knew a Bess of my own.  She had a way of motivating you…getting you through the whole work out.  I can still hear her sing song voice in my head…”and take it to the left and take it up and uuuppp” lol

I would do this work out religiously every day.  Not because I needed the exercise…I was a twig…

Because in my own head…

I WAS the 20 minute workout…it was ME on that stage…I was Bess Motta lol

It was about the dressing up and the leg warmers.

It was always about the leg warmers…

God I was sad ehh?

Thanks for the flash back V…
Oh and if you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about…buried in a box in my storage room is the VHS tape.
How could I ever in good conscious let that one go?

there’s something about jerry

Jerry owned me the second I saw her.  She was so tiny….the kind of tiny you are afraid to hold in your hands.  So tiny I had to stimulate her..ahem…”down there” to get her to go to the bathroom.

She could barely groom without falling over.  Watching her learn was hilarious!  Her meow to this day is barely audible…and her hiss…laughable.  She makes the effort but there is no sound. (although come to think of it, she never hisses anymore…maybe she is too embarrassed.)

We thought Jerry was a boy…hence the name.  After she was about 6 months old and examining many many diagrams on line lol…he was definitely a she.

Jerry had her own room in the house.  God forbid she would want to socialize.  She would cry to get in and stay there for hours…alone.

Thankfully somewhere along the line she did a 360…and became the most loveable, most social kitty.

You can’t not love jerry.  She makes sure of it.  The second anyone walks into the house…she is all over them like white on rice.  She is a total flirt (I’d like to think I taught her something)  If someone sleeps over…I can forget about seeing her till the morning…if I’m lucky.

There’s something about jerry.  Could be that even tho she is almost 3, she has a lot of kitten like qualities.  Her face is very kitten like, her teeth…are still baby teeth…and I don’t think she could weigh more than 5 pounds.

It could be the way she holds me down as I am sleeping…and I awaken to her sandpaper tongue on my lips.  No matter how much I try to move…she is always able to kiss me like crazy.  Could be the way she meows at me first thing when I get out of bed and we say our good mornings.  Could be the way she understands when you ask her for a hug, or the way she leans into you just so to get a hug of her own.

Every day is special with jerry.  We celebrate her birthday every single month.  No..not like a crazy cat lady party…just a little extra lovin’ on that day.  She will be 2 and a half in a couple of weeks.  Each birthday we get a little bit more anxious, every time her nose is a little too pale a little too long…we worry.  Every time she sleeps a little too long we wonder.

Jerry was given anywhere from 1.5 yrs to 3 yrs to live.  She has a huge hole in that tiny heart of hers.

She lives her life, as if she doesn’t know.  She loves hard…she plays crazy and rests when she needs to.

I really don’t think she knows…so I ain’t telling her.
Watch…she’ll outlive us all.

ass kissing anyone?

I had 14 voicemails from 4pm yesterday to 7 this morning

FOURTEEN!!!!!

I have 3 applications sitting on my desk that need to be approved and processed.  

I have 9 people I need to call today to let them know that we are terminating their business ties with us.

Ugh…that is 9 people who are going to either yell, beg or call me names I haven’t heard in forever.

I have 1 contract I need to draft up and send out.

And of course all of this needs to be done yesterday.

Never mind doing the job that I actually get paid to do.

 

So what am I doing?  

Procrastinating.

I don’t wanna.

Don’t make me work.

 

I took on a new role…as you all may know.  I have yet to be trained on this job and mostly everything I know I sorta guessed at.  I have some wonderful coworkers who try to fill in the blanks…but…no one really knows the dynamics of this job other than the girl they let go.

So…long story short…the other day I sent an email to the pompous ass who “runs” this department.  By “runs” I mean passes all his managerial work to the people below him and takes all the credit.  Talks smack about each and every person in this company to anyone who will listen.  How he has a job here is beyond me.  Well I know how he has a job…he’s an experienced ass kisser…his whole face has that soft shit stain glow.

God I hope he doesn’t read my blog. Lol

 

Anyways…we have a new product out…and he brags around how he knows so much about it etc etc.  So a retailer had a question about it…so I emailed pompous ass to see if he knew who I needed to talk to, to get an answer.

I waited a day and a half for his answer.

His answer???

YOU.

That was his answer.  Apparently I need to discuss this with myself to get the answer.

Thanks P.A.  You are such a dick…i mean…your assistance in this matter was greatly appreciated.

I was going to respond and actually cc myself saying “Goddess, do you know where I can get this information”

I guess just like everything else concerning this role…I shall pull the answer outta my ass. Ta daaaa!

Which by the way…I did find the answer…cause I am clearly made of awesome.

 

A couple of weeks ago…during one of our snow storms…the whole office worked from home.  No one was expected to come in.

Apparently PA called me on my work phone looking for my BFF coworker.  Apparently I have now attached “receptionist” to my title.  Why would you call me and leave me a message saying you are NOT looking for me but for N…and if I can get her to call you???

So I get into the office the next day and my BB rings.  It’s PA.  He says he tried calling me all day yesterday and left me a voicemail.  I said “PA, there was a snow storm yesterday…the whole office worked from home”  And he retaliated with his sarcasm saying “ohhh well I guess when people work from home it gives them an excuse not to check their work voicemail”

Umm, I have a BB that I can be reached on all day.  I am working from home so I have my email up and running.  If he needed me I was easily accessible.

So I said I will get N to call u and hung up.  N called him back and said maybe next time if it’s so urgent that I contact you…u could send me an email.

Apparently he never thought to do so.

Idiot.

Apparently I took one too many bitter pills this morning lol

 

I guess I should actually do something other than avoid my work…

And insult the idiot I work with (but it’s so much fun!!)

 

Happy Friday kids.

the firsts…

They say the “firsts” are the hardest.  You know, the first holiday, first birthday… the firsts.

The firsts were hard.  The fact that this was my first birthday (or should I say OUR first birthday) without you…well it was a sorrow I can’t really define. Christmas…every Saturday night…when you would visit.  The absence was eerily obvious.

Life has a crazy way of moving on.  A part of me wants the world to stop occasionally.  I don’t want it to forget you.

It doesn’t hurt as much as I expected it to.  I think because I have convinced myself that where you are now has got to be better than where you were the last few months before you died.  I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. Knowing you are free from pain and not suffering is somewhat a comfort to me.

It doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.  Because I do.  I don’t think a day has gone by where you haven’t crossed my mind.

So much has happened in a year.  I wish you could have met your “grand daughter”.  You would have been crazy in love with her.

It’s sad what has unraveled in your absence.  The downward slope nouna has taken…it’s not her fault…but it’s hard to watch.

Sad, that no one deems it important to put up a tombstone…so we can visit you…lay flowers for you…just sit and talk to you.  Sad that it seems the people who carry your blood, will not carry on your legacy.

You deserved so much more than that.

One year ago today…you died.  It sat in the pit of my stomach all day.  An ache.  A missing.  I miss you so very much.

BUT I won’t sit here and mourn you (although I think I am allowed to just a little)

I am celebrating everything you were.  What you represented.  Who you were as a person…the very significant role you played in my life.

I am celebrating your life.

I will never forget you nouno.

But I do miss you. Crazy miss you.

I saw the stars tonight.  I made sure to look.

Thank you for the stars.

romance is over rated…

Who said?

Me probably…many times lol.

Over the past few years I have turned into one of those people who LOVE all the one on one romantic gestures.  I’m such a mush ball.

We woke up Saturday and got ready for our romantic weekend getaway.  We dropped the pup off at the ex’s and headed to the heart of the city.

We thought somewhere romantic could still be close to home…and god were we right.

Our room was just beautiful.  We had a view of the whole city…a blanket of snow keeping us tucked in the room I never wanted to leave anyways!

We had a kitchenette…marble counters…a wine rack…a king size bed that felt like I was sleeping on a cloud.

We checked in and got ready for dinner.

We headed to our favourite little Indian restaurant and sat there for hours…enjoying the food, enjoying eachother…it was amazing.  We even got a free side dish and desert.  I always love going to that place…everyone is always so good to us…and the food…well the food couldn’t get any better!!

The gift shop was closed by the time we got back…and the ONLY downfall to this hotel was that they had ONE pop machine…and it was out of order.  So we got dressed again and headed to a convenience store in a snow storm to get some bevies to last us through the night.

Elle Bee presented me with 3 white roses…just because.

See why my heart is bigger than my head????

It was just beautiful.  It was great to spend so much one on one time.  No animals…no phone calls…no interference…just me and Elle Bee…stuck in a beautiful hotel on a stormy night.

And so the morning came…quicker than I anticipated…quicker than I wanted.  We got ready and headed out for brunch…laughed so hard we cried…to things only we would find amusing lol.

We went shoe shopping, and despite Elle Bee’s total hate on for Uggs…bought me a pair (does Elle Bee not realize I need a few more pairs of skinny jeans to go with them? Lmao)

Then we headed off to pick up the much missed pup and headed home.

Now I am watching Sunday night just fade away…and feel a little melancholy.

No matter how amazingly wonderful it is to get away…there is a certain comfort to returning home.

Nothing comforting about returning to work tho…I can tell you that much.

Oh…and wouldn’t you know that at that hotel…there were 3 parties going on…I guess Holiday Parties….as I read the list…Sunnybrook was there partying it up.  Odd?  Yes.  Small world?  Oh yes.  Of all the hotels in all the city…

going…going…

Gone.

Well almost!

2 more sleeps and I am being whisked away.

Elle Bee is kidnapping me for the weekend!!!!

We are going to a far away land, where we can be alone…with eachother…just us.

No critters, no phones, no computers, no work.

Just me and Elle Bee…

<happy sigh>

Romantic dinner, bottle of wine…dark café with rich deserts and fancy shmancy coffees…and lots of one on one time…quality time alone.

Of course on my way home tonight, I made a pit stop at La Vie En Rose and picked up something perdy.

Meeeeoooooow!

I’m so excited I feel like a school girl going to the prom.

So tomorrow is my staff Xmas party that was rescheduled…and then 2 amazing days away from the hustle and bustle that has become our lives.

Can it get better than this???  I really don’t think so.

stupid people day…

Someone should have told me, so I could have better prepared myself this morning.

Grrrrr.

 

It started with the idiot who didn’t know how to drive.  Who does 50 in a 70 zone in the left lane?  He drove in such a way which made it almost impossible for me to pass him.  When I would switch lanes to pass him…he would speed up…trap me in the centre lane.  Oh, my road rage was in fine form this morning.

Then the idiot who thought his Hyundai deserved to take up two spots…one of those being “my” spots.  Cause you know how pretty that car is…god forbid someone hit it.  Please someone…hit it.

 

Then my 5 minute voicemail at work today from some dood who says he got a call from our company twice yesterday (he even provided the exact times) and asked me to find out who it was that called him.

Huh?  Do I know you?????

I am going to go to each and every individual in corporate office to see who called this man…cause I got that kind of time on my hands.  Please add “pee on” to my title…cause my two full time jobs are not enough…apparently.

 

I am at work and needed to take a breath.  No reason I am blogging.  I guess it’s better than working at this point.

 

I still feel the remnants from watching the interview with Patrick Swayze last night.  Talk about SAD.  My heart was just aching…apparently it still is.  Not something I would recommend watching right before bed…that’s for sure.

 

That is all…no more incessant rambles today…I promise.

fight style…

What’s yours?

Do you thrive on conflict or do you cower from it?  Do you instigate a fight or do you brush everything aside…and then blow like a friggin bomb?

Inquiring minds want to know.

I am a CRAZY Greek bitch lol

I kid (sorta), although some of my ex’s may care to disagree (this could be why they are ex’s lol)

I have been involved with all sorts.  I have had the relationship that only worked if there was conflict.  My partner was never happy unless there was something to argue about.  Full blown crazy, certifiable arguments.  It got to the point where I would pick a little drama just to get them mad enough to leave…so I could have peace…quiet.  I didn’t like the drama so I created some to make it go away.  That would give me MY place to myself…me and my dog…in peace and harmony.

Then there was the relationship where conflict never happened.  A fight would never ever happen unless it was something sooooo over the edge…that my partner had no choice.  Even then their voice was barely audible…no spine…no backbone….it was peaceful, but a lot remained unresolved…and gave room for resentment to grow.  Funnily enough our biggest arguments happened after we were over.

I don’t like conflict.  I don’t know many who do.  I think that when you are involved with someone…that you learn how to fight fair. You need to learn their fight style and work together…even in discord.  No matter how heated or how emotional it may get…you need to be fair.  All sounds good in theory no?

I can get “crazy bitch on your ass” in point 2 seconds.  No problem. Lol

I try and keep peace…but like anyone…things set me off.  I have triggers.  I can have a “normal” argument…until you get in my face.  All bets are off at that point…and the poor soul who is standing in front of me has met their match.  Could be the Greek in me…could be the Sag in me…or it could just be me.

I will fight like the best of ‘em…but when you try to stop me from moving…from walking away…there is no talking to me. I lose all judgment when someone tries to physically restrain me…doesn’t let me move.

I’m the type of girl who needs to think about what just happened.  I need my space, so I don’t say things I don’t mean…so I can chew on everything my partner has just said.  So I can put my words together so we can yell it out like mature adults.  By “making” me talk about things right there and then…well it ain’t gonna be pretty.

I have thrown clothing out of the closet…I have thrown things out the front door lmao.

If my partner is cruel to me…I can return the favour 10 fold…aim to hurt…to maim…
I can forget in seconds ALL the reasons I ever fell in love.  I really can.  I am a light switch.
I’ve never denied my cold hearted Paula Abdul nature.  Fuck with me…I’ll fuck you right back…and not in a good way.

But what I’ve learned?  Is that when you find someone…that you *know* in the depths of your soul that you love…more than anything and anyone…you grow tolerance…and respect…even in the midst of chaos.

That is my fighting style.  Crazy Greek bitch going all kung foo like on yer ass.  Lol.

I kid…again…sorta.  But I’ve had my moments.

My friends stories are the best.  Like my one friend throwing a can of timmies at their partners head.  I laugh at that…only because she has bad aim and didn’t come close…and the person she was aiming for was my much disliked ex. Lol

My most angry moment was slamming one of my ex’s car door…as I made a dramatic exit.  The door never opened again lol

The classic and oldest story in the book was a friend of mine finding out her guy was cheating on her…and pierced all his condoms with a pin.

Someone certainly did get knocked up that year….

Then there is a story of a girl who got so pissed off at her partner…that she dropped her pants and shit all over the floor.  LMAO.  She certainly showed her partner…she was full of shit.  Gotta take that story with a grain of salt…but how fukin funny would that be if it’s really true?  The visuals will haunt me forever!

So that’s my story…
I’m just as giddy as a school girl…staying up later than I should be…having a glass of wine…and looking out the window smiling…it looks like it’s a work from home day tomorrow kids…and that….makes me a happy goddess.

No fighting over here.

Just gives me more time for monkey love lol.

that forever thang…

I came across something I wrote a long time ago and this line stuck out for me:

“I am aware that people you had intended on loving forever are just that…people…and all good intentions aside…no one person can make such a promise.”

Forever.

I plan on a forever.  I never have before…and sometimes the mere mention of that word is enough to make me shrink into a corner and wither from worry.

I used to say I never believed in forever.  I think I believed in it…I just don’t think it believed in me.

I wanted the forever deal.  You know, grow old with someone…be their world, be their life mate.  I was just scared that I wouldn’t find it…and so I turned my back on it…and taught myself to believe that I really never wanted it to begin with.

I made myself believe I wanted to play the field, I wanted to be free and have no commitments.  I wanted new and exciting moments…I wanted the opposite of routine.  I wanted the excitement of the honeymoon stage…but I wanted nothing more to do with it when it felt comfortable.  I wanted the first fight and the make up sex…but then as did everything else in my life…it got old.  I made myself believe that waking up next to the same person over and over, year after year…was like a death sentence.

But look at me?  Miss afraid of commitment…has always had long term commitments.  Doesn’t make much sense does it?

I loved these people…all very differently…one actually I don’t think I loved at all.  Maybe at the beginning…but I think I was young and had confused “playing house” as love.

Ahhh I rambled.

It was when those relationships ended and I was free…that I believed I was happiest.  I could do what I wanted when I wanted.  I could stumble home at any hour and not have any explaining to do.  I could reciprocate flirting…and take it to a whole other level.  I would be the one just wanting the night of fun…but it was so hard to find someone who wanted the same thing…you would think it would be easy…but no…I can tell you it was not.

I closed off my heart to love.  Refused to *feel* or better yet, acknowledge that emotion.

I was a cold hearted bitch…and I was ok with that.  That’s what I wanted everyone I ever became involved with to believe.

I probably have lost some amazing people…but everything happens for a reason…AND if I am being honest…I don’t miss any of my “almosts”.

I love waking up in the  arms of the same person.  I love loving the same person over and over and over again.  It doesn’t get stale…it doesn’t get old.  It actually just keeps getting better and better.

I take the word “forever” with a grain of salt…and realize when it’s being said to me right now..in this very moment…it is with good intentions.

It is not a false promise…it is today’s promise…filled with a life time of possibilities.

I’ll take that any day.

recoup n’ regroup

I needed quiet time.  I needed “shhhhhh”  Although how I get that in a home with 5 critters is the question.

Over indulding…over eating, over drinking, over loading…go-big-or-go-home-goddess-like things.

Go go go!

Tonight I said stop.

Socially over stimulated, old friends, new friends, family, laughter…and more laughter…happy tears…over-loving…wait no…that’s not right…

An abundance of love…tears because of love, smiles because of love…monkey love heh heh.  Never too much monkey love!

I put on the brakes tonight.  I wanted some time…to recoup and regroup.

Take a break from the break.

I am spent and content.
I welcomed the noise…now I welcome the quiet.

I made the decision the other night to venture out into the village.  I haven’t made an appearance there since…oh…August I think.  Drinks and old friends and catching up…and love…hugs…the kind that take your breath away…the kind that make you wonder why you stayed away so long.  The kind that only someone who loves you can give you.

Over stimulation I say.

And I loved every single bit of it.

Tonight is hushed and quiet…and calm and reflective.  So many moments floating through this head of mine that I am sure I have a million things to write about.

But I already broke my first promise to myself tonight.  I am not supposed to be here.  If I am “talking” I am not being quiet now am I?

I can’t help it tho…

Even tho I’m quiet…my heart has so much to say.

But i won’t.  Not tonight.

I am off to bed with a good book…and my run away carcass eating dog…who incidentally has gas that could kill a small village…

But anyways…that’s for another day lol

I’m off…g’nite