ready for xmas…

Well I did it…I finished all my Christmas shopping.  I got an earlier start than normal this year and today I planned on getting that “last” gift.  Of course the last gift turned into about 5…but the point is I got it done.

I spent way too much money this year.  I probably say that every year…but this year I mean it.  Who cares…it’s just money…and it made me so happy!!!  This year is a good year…and I am so excited to spend and celebrate Christmas with everyone I love!!!

I am most excited about Christmas with Elle Bee…it was so exciting shopping for things…I actually had to tell myself to stop!

Elle Bee makes me look forward to Xmas this year….

So tomorrow I am going to run a few errands…cook Elle Bee a fantabulous dinner…then pour myself a glass of wine…or 2 and wrap all my gifts.

What a great day off.

M is crashing here tonight.  I am waiting ever so patiently for him to call so I can go pick him up from the GO.  It’s not too late…and I am not too sure why I feel a little panicked…lol.  I feel kind of motherly towards him (for a lack of better words)

Is this how my ma felt when I would be late?  Lol

I am having waaayyy too much fun with my new camera.  The kids are potentially blind from the flash every 2 minutes lol…wait until I see my niece.  Poor kid.  But she is just way too beautiful…I can’t help myself.

Sorry this isn’t as exciting as I wanted it to be…I’ve just been so crazy busy…and all in a good way of course.

And incase I don’t find time to visit here before Xmas…

May you all have a safe and blessed Christmas.

I can’t wait to hear your stories and tell you my own.

Much love to you all.

decisions

I am not out to my family. 
The mere thought of telling them frightens me.
I come from a very old school European family…they frown upon anything outside of our cultural norm.  Telling my family I am gay would make them disown me forever.
But I’m gay.  It’s obvious it’s not a phase…I am with the love of my life…and hope to spend the rest of my days with her.  We talk about marriage, we talk about children…we talk and we want. 
But I cannot do all these things in the closet.  I cannot even keep up with my lies anymore.  I know that i will feel a sense of peace when i do eventually come out…but again, the mere thought of doing it scares me.
I am not ready to lose them…although they do not know (how they don’t know is beyond me) I love having them in my life.  To have them not is not something i am ready to face.
My partner doesn’t pressure me either way.  She supports all my decisions…supports me as her partner, as her lover.
One day I hope to find that back bone of mine…and be able to stand strong and tell my family the way it is…and walk away and be ok with the fact that i have lost them forever.
I am not so young anymore…and the clock is ticking for me in terms of having a baby.  I was born to be a mom…and it’s sad that I am letting my fear of their reaction stop me from doing what it is that I have always wanted to do.

Just getting it out there…so it’s not lingering inside of me.