They say that it is somehow easier to deal with death when someone you love dies from a long illness. I’d like to know who “they” are. I have some questions.
My godfather passed away last night. I have known for some time that he was dying. I was able to say my good bye’s and spend some time with him while he was still “him”.
For that, I am grateful.
I don’t think that knowing he was dying made anything easier. Everyone is dying. We know that we are all going to die someday…so really it shouldn’t come as a surprise. I think knowing that he was dying just made me cry longer. I’ve cried more than I care to admit these past couple of months over his impending death…and now he is gone.
I cried when I received the news, I cried before I fell asleep…and I woke up this morning and cried some more.
I am forever grateful that he didn’t suffer much. I will be forever grateful that he is now in peace and no longer fighting this demon we call cancer. I will be forever grateful that I had such a wonderful man in my life…for 34 years. I will be forever grateful for all the memories I have inside my heart.
But knowing that he was dying didn’t take away the grief. It just took away the element of surprise I suppose.
Knowing that he was dying didn’t comfort or soothe me. It didn’t make any of this better.
I have dealt with people dying unexpectedly and now I have dealt with someone slowly dying. I can’t say one trumps the other in grief. Equal grief…death is death is death.
And he’s gone. And my heart feels like it’s been trampled on.
I know it gets better. I know that this too shall pass.
But right now…in this moment…I don’t feel ok. I don’t want to feel ok. I want him back happy and healthy. I want things to be like they were before.
I know…I know. No can do.
My belly hurts…I think it’s my heart really…hiding, cause it needs to mend a little.
I love you nouno.
I miss you so much.
