fight style…

What’s yours?

Do you thrive on conflict or do you cower from it?  Do you instigate a fight or do you brush everything aside…and then blow like a friggin bomb?

Inquiring minds want to know.

I am a CRAZY Greek bitch lol

I kid (sorta), although some of my ex’s may care to disagree (this could be why they are ex’s lol)

I have been involved with all sorts.  I have had the relationship that only worked if there was conflict.  My partner was never happy unless there was something to argue about.  Full blown crazy, certifiable arguments.  It got to the point where I would pick a little drama just to get them mad enough to leave…so I could have peace…quiet.  I didn’t like the drama so I created some to make it go away.  That would give me MY place to myself…me and my dog…in peace and harmony.

Then there was the relationship where conflict never happened.  A fight would never ever happen unless it was something sooooo over the edge…that my partner had no choice.  Even then their voice was barely audible…no spine…no backbone….it was peaceful, but a lot remained unresolved…and gave room for resentment to grow.  Funnily enough our biggest arguments happened after we were over.

I don’t like conflict.  I don’t know many who do.  I think that when you are involved with someone…that you learn how to fight fair. You need to learn their fight style and work together…even in discord.  No matter how heated or how emotional it may get…you need to be fair.  All sounds good in theory no?

I can get “crazy bitch on your ass” in point 2 seconds.  No problem. Lol

I try and keep peace…but like anyone…things set me off.  I have triggers.  I can have a “normal” argument…until you get in my face.  All bets are off at that point…and the poor soul who is standing in front of me has met their match.  Could be the Greek in me…could be the Sag in me…or it could just be me.

I will fight like the best of ‘em…but when you try to stop me from moving…from walking away…there is no talking to me. I lose all judgment when someone tries to physically restrain me…doesn’t let me move.

I’m the type of girl who needs to think about what just happened.  I need my space, so I don’t say things I don’t mean…so I can chew on everything my partner has just said.  So I can put my words together so we can yell it out like mature adults.  By “making” me talk about things right there and then…well it ain’t gonna be pretty.

I have thrown clothing out of the closet…I have thrown things out the front door lmao.

If my partner is cruel to me…I can return the favour 10 fold…aim to hurt…to maim…
I can forget in seconds ALL the reasons I ever fell in love.  I really can.  I am a light switch.
I’ve never denied my cold hearted Paula Abdul nature.  Fuck with me…I’ll fuck you right back…and not in a good way.

But what I’ve learned?  Is that when you find someone…that you *know* in the depths of your soul that you love…more than anything and anyone…you grow tolerance…and respect…even in the midst of chaos.

That is my fighting style.  Crazy Greek bitch going all kung foo like on yer ass.  Lol.

I kid…again…sorta.  But I’ve had my moments.

My friends stories are the best.  Like my one friend throwing a can of timmies at their partners head.  I laugh at that…only because she has bad aim and didn’t come close…and the person she was aiming for was my much disliked ex. Lol

My most angry moment was slamming one of my ex’s car door…as I made a dramatic exit.  The door never opened again lol

The classic and oldest story in the book was a friend of mine finding out her guy was cheating on her…and pierced all his condoms with a pin.

Someone certainly did get knocked up that year….

Then there is a story of a girl who got so pissed off at her partner…that she dropped her pants and shit all over the floor.  LMAO.  She certainly showed her partner…she was full of shit.  Gotta take that story with a grain of salt…but how fukin funny would that be if it’s really true?  The visuals will haunt me forever!

So that’s my story…
I’m just as giddy as a school girl…staying up later than I should be…having a glass of wine…and looking out the window smiling…it looks like it’s a work from home day tomorrow kids…and that….makes me a happy goddess.

No fighting over here.

Just gives me more time for monkey love lol.

that forever thang…

I came across something I wrote a long time ago and this line stuck out for me:

“I am aware that people you had intended on loving forever are just that…people…and all good intentions aside…no one person can make such a promise.”

Forever.

I plan on a forever.  I never have before…and sometimes the mere mention of that word is enough to make me shrink into a corner and wither from worry.

I used to say I never believed in forever.  I think I believed in it…I just don’t think it believed in me.

I wanted the forever deal.  You know, grow old with someone…be their world, be their life mate.  I was just scared that I wouldn’t find it…and so I turned my back on it…and taught myself to believe that I really never wanted it to begin with.

I made myself believe I wanted to play the field, I wanted to be free and have no commitments.  I wanted new and exciting moments…I wanted the opposite of routine.  I wanted the excitement of the honeymoon stage…but I wanted nothing more to do with it when it felt comfortable.  I wanted the first fight and the make up sex…but then as did everything else in my life…it got old.  I made myself believe that waking up next to the same person over and over, year after year…was like a death sentence.

But look at me?  Miss afraid of commitment…has always had long term commitments.  Doesn’t make much sense does it?

I loved these people…all very differently…one actually I don’t think I loved at all.  Maybe at the beginning…but I think I was young and had confused “playing house” as love.

Ahhh I rambled.

It was when those relationships ended and I was free…that I believed I was happiest.  I could do what I wanted when I wanted.  I could stumble home at any hour and not have any explaining to do.  I could reciprocate flirting…and take it to a whole other level.  I would be the one just wanting the night of fun…but it was so hard to find someone who wanted the same thing…you would think it would be easy…but no…I can tell you it was not.

I closed off my heart to love.  Refused to *feel* or better yet, acknowledge that emotion.

I was a cold hearted bitch…and I was ok with that.  That’s what I wanted everyone I ever became involved with to believe.

I probably have lost some amazing people…but everything happens for a reason…AND if I am being honest…I don’t miss any of my “almosts”.

I love waking up in the  arms of the same person.  I love loving the same person over and over and over again.  It doesn’t get stale…it doesn’t get old.  It actually just keeps getting better and better.

I take the word “forever” with a grain of salt…and realize when it’s being said to me right now..in this very moment…it is with good intentions.

It is not a false promise…it is today’s promise…filled with a life time of possibilities.

I’ll take that any day.

it still amazes me…

that after THREE years…
the nights that you are working, are the nights i go to bed the latest.
I can’t sleep without you here.
I toss and turn…and pass out eventually.
the nights u are home are the earliest that i find slumber…
It must be your arms…or your breath on my ear.
It’s still love baby…cause it’s really late at night…and instead of sleeping peacefully…i’m just writing about you.

trust…

I had a friend over for dinner last night.  I haven’t seen her in about 2 years, so it was great to see her and catch up.  I think I had a bit too much wine lol, but it was fun.

She finally got to meet my partner and it seems that they hit it off pretty well…that always makes me feel good.

We started talking about the past…as old friends often do…and she told me things that struck a chord in me…things I didn’t know before.

Her and my ex at one point became very good friends.  I more than encouraged a friendship between the both of them.  I am not the jealous type, and it was difficult for my ex to make friends…I thought it was great…and more importantly I trusted both of them.

One day, I walked into the bedroom and found my ex on the phone…speaking quietly.  It totally threw me off.  It wasn’t the fact that she was on the phone…it was the secrecy behind it all.  
She was talking to my friend…and when she got off the phone I voiced my opinion and how suddenly their friendship was concerning me.  I mean if you are just friends, why the secret phone calls?  I understand wanting some privacy, going into another room for quiet…etc.  I talked to my friend the next day…and apparently her boyfriend also had an issue with their developing friendship…he didn’t feel comfortable with it either (to be fair, the man is not very comfortable with gay people in his life)

I didn’t want their friendship to end…I just think it needed some boundaries.

Anyways…I found out last night that my ex would take the dog out for walks just to call my friend.  I never knew this.

It may not sound like a big deal…but to me it’s huge.

See…she obviously had a big crush on my friend…which I even knew back when we were together…I naively thought it was “cute”.

My ex was/is a preacher of morals…she was big on trust, big on being loyal.  I mean we lived together for over a year after we broke up and she didn’t want either of us to get into a relationship until she moved out because she felt it would be disrespectful to our relationship.

Meanwhile, I find out that she would sneak out of the house to call my friend.  This bothers me…it bothers me because I trusted her.  It bothers me because those phone calls were done behind my back.  If she was just a friend…why hide the calls? 

Through our whole break up she always threw in my face how loyal and dedicated she was to our relationship (as I was)…and always accused me of straying.

I have a hard time trusting people.  When I do trust someone, it’s with all of my heart.  I am not going to bring this up with the ex…because..well it’s the past and it’s done.

If my partner today felt that she needed to leave the house just to make a phone call…well it would hurt.  I wouldn’t tolerate it.  I’m not one for secrets…especially the cheating kind.  That’s what it feels like…like the ex was trying to move to the next level with my friend…

I would hope that if my partner was interested in someone…that she would have the respect to TELL me…and then proceed…

Just venting….

what’s the rush???

I don’t understand some people.

I know a girl who falls in love at the drop of a dime.  She is in love with love.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in love and to share that with someone.  Everyone deserves to find that.

My concern lies in the fact, that after just shy of 3 months…her and her partner have already set a move in date.

How do you really know someone after 3 months??  You are still in the honey moon stage of your relationship.  Everything is amazing…you are having so much fun getting to know each other…and the sex is mind blowing.  I KNOW how it feels to be on cloud 9 at the beginning of any relationship.

But do you really know that person in 3 months?  Do we really show our true selves within that time?  After a while, all those cute things your partner does may become somewhat annoying.  You don’t really “know” this person…never mind what it would be like to live with them.

Is it really true?  Do lesbians really have a U Haul attached to their asses???

Not this one. 

Whatever happened to dating…being in a committed relationship without the sudden urge to play house???

I understand that it works for some people.  I understand the theory of love at first sight.  I understand that feeling of not wanting to spend a day without seeing the face of the person you are with. 

But seriously…what’s the rush????  Do people understand the level of commitment it involves taking up house together?  If you intend on spending the rest of your days with that person…why the urgency?  I know an argument can be made for the other side of the coin..that if you know this is the one, why NOT just do it.

I’ve had 2 live in partners.  Although I was madly in love I also had the sense to wait.  I waited over a year with both relationships…really got to know them.  How we handled arguments…learned eachother’s behaviours…got to know them as the people that they are without the love blinders on.  Obviously waiting the year did not help my first long term relationship….but i honestly believe that had we not waited, it would have ended much sooner.  This of course is all just my opinion.

I guess to each their own…but it just drives me a little batty that people jump into things so quickly!!! 
Am I wrong here???

I am sure it’s not just a lesbian thing…I’ve seen it in straight people too.  I just wonder why…