the firsts…

They say the “firsts” are the hardest.  You know, the first holiday, first birthday… the firsts.

The firsts were hard.  The fact that this was my first birthday (or should I say OUR first birthday) without you…well it was a sorrow I can’t really define. Christmas…every Saturday night…when you would visit.  The absence was eerily obvious.

Life has a crazy way of moving on.  A part of me wants the world to stop occasionally.  I don’t want it to forget you.

It doesn’t hurt as much as I expected it to.  I think because I have convinced myself that where you are now has got to be better than where you were the last few months before you died.  I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. Knowing you are free from pain and not suffering is somewhat a comfort to me.

It doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.  Because I do.  I don’t think a day has gone by where you haven’t crossed my mind.

So much has happened in a year.  I wish you could have met your “grand daughter”.  You would have been crazy in love with her.

It’s sad what has unraveled in your absence.  The downward slope nouna has taken…it’s not her fault…but it’s hard to watch.

Sad, that no one deems it important to put up a tombstone…so we can visit you…lay flowers for you…just sit and talk to you.  Sad that it seems the people who carry your blood, will not carry on your legacy.

You deserved so much more than that.

One year ago today…you died.  It sat in the pit of my stomach all day.  An ache.  A missing.  I miss you so very much.

BUT I won’t sit here and mourn you (although I think I am allowed to just a little)

I am celebrating everything you were.  What you represented.  Who you were as a person…the very significant role you played in my life.

I am celebrating your life.

I will never forget you nouno.

But I do miss you. Crazy miss you.

I saw the stars tonight.  I made sure to look.

Thank you for the stars.

your addiction

I haven’t heard from you in some time.  That’s never good.
For the umpteenth time you were getting yourself clean.  I got that familiar phone call from you…telling me you had enough.  things were different this time.  You were going to succeed in getting clean.
If I had a dollar for every time you and I acted out that scenario.
When you ended up in the hospital…well really that was my last straw.  I was too emotionally invested in you…in us.
You were my best friend.  11 years of loving you…you loving me.  I have ached for that the past few years.
But I had to back away.  You were killing me in the process of killing you.  Your addiction is so evil and self centred.
A couple months ago I got *the* call.  You tried to die.  A part of me wondered if perhaps you should.  I don’t mean that in a mean and spiteful way.  All I meant by that was…if you are destined for a life so full of agony and pain…perhaps i wasn’t someone who should judge.  I wasn’t the one sticking needles in my arms, snorting shit up my nose…going on binges that lasted for days.
No I was the one who went searching for you for a month when you were missing…I was the one for years thinking that you were dead.  I was the one who layed awake at night and wondered if you were still alive…i was the one watching you die.  I was the one crying for you…and loving you so very much.
I think I have been prepared for your death for a while now.
I know, in my heart of hearts you are using again.  It’s not like us to not talk.  I don’t know if you are dead or alive.  See, when you were missing…your parents called me 20 times a day…EVERY day.  Sadly, they would never call me to let me know if anything happened.
So perhaps I need to tell my heart…that you are gone.  Cause truth be told…your addiction has killed the person I loved.  I don’t even know you any more.
And i am tired.  Very very tired…
Although i have backed away…very far away…and refuse to call you…to show you that you affect me…I still sit here in the late night hours wondering if you are ok.

I fuking HATE your addiction.

he’s gone…

They say that it is somehow easier to deal with death when someone you love dies from a long illness.  I’d like to know who “they” are.  I have some questions.

My godfather passed away last night.  I have known for some time that he was dying.  I was able to say my good bye’s and spend some time with him while he was still “him”.

For that, I am grateful.

I don’t think that knowing he was dying made anything easier.  Everyone is dying.  We know that we are all going to die someday…so really it shouldn’t come as a surprise.  I think knowing that he was dying just made me cry longer.  I’ve cried more than I care to admit these past couple of months over his impending death…and now he is gone.

I cried when I received the news, I cried before I fell asleep…and I woke up this morning and cried some more.

I am forever grateful that he didn’t suffer much.  I will be forever grateful that he is now in peace and no longer fighting this demon we call cancer.  I will be forever grateful that I had such a wonderful man in my life…for 34 years.  I will be forever grateful for all the memories I have inside my heart.

But knowing that he was dying didn’t take away the grief.  It just took away the element of surprise I suppose.

Knowing that he was dying didn’t comfort or soothe me.  It didn’t make any of this better.

I have dealt with people dying unexpectedly and now I have dealt with someone slowly dying.  I can’t say one trumps the other in grief.  Equal grief…death is death is death.

And he’s gone.  And my heart feels like it’s been trampled on.

I know it gets better.  I know that this too shall pass.

But right now…in this moment…I don’t feel ok.  I don’t want to feel ok.  I want him back happy and healthy.  I want things to be like they were before.

I know…I know.  No can do.

My belly hurts…I think it’s my heart really…hiding, cause it needs to mend a little.

I love you nouno. 

I miss you so much.

and so it goes…

I must say that i am happy to see 2007 go.
Not that it was a terrible year, but it wasn’t the greatest…no it wasn’t.

2007 was a year of sickness…of illness.  True I had health battles of my own, but it is not my own that have affected me.  People I care about, people that had a profound effect on my life, people that I love, and people that I love facing illness with those that they love.  A vicious circle of life i suppose.

2008 didn’t start off so great either.  On the 4th of January, a beloved pup had to be put down.  He was a wonderful dog, and I loved him so much although he wasn’t “mine”.  He was my partners dog that her ex had “custody” of.  Some people call the dynamics of our relationship “weird”.  Weird that we all get along so well and choose to stay in eachother’s lives.  Because of this “weird” relationship I was allowed to spend his last night cuddled up in bed with him, to say my goodbyes.  I sometimes think that losing a pet is harder than losing a human.  I’m not so sure.  I will let you know.  I sit here at home looking at all the collars, once occupied by the fur children i once had…they just sit there as reminders…like all things…everything must end.
On Chritmas Eve, I went and said good bye to my godfather.  He is dying from liver cancer.  It was bitter sweet…however I am grateful that I had the opportunity.  He wanted to die at home…and I just found out today that he was transferred to a hopsital.  He will never go home again.  He is a proud man….who has lost his dignity from this cruel thing called cancer.  I can cry and say it isn’t fair that he die like this.  But like he told me….life is for the living and death is for those who have lived.  I wish for him a quick and painless death.  I ultimately wish for him to live forever, but since that is not in the nature of living…i’ll stop my wishing.  This man is my second father.  I feel such a loss, although he still is here.

I am hoping 2008 gets better…I don’t want it to be known as the year of death and dying.
I believe that i have come to an age, where this death business will be alot more common than not.  It’s a part of living…the cycle of life.  Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like a son of a bitch.

I’ve never been good with death…I am not so sure many of us are.  I see others around me so stoic, so strong…and i find myself crumbling into a million little pieces.  Odd since I am freakishly strong in every other aspect of my life.

And so, I hope for a wonderful year full of love and happiness…because although all i seem to be talking about in this post is depressing…there was much good in 2007.  I love and am loved…i have my friends and my family.  I have made new friends and am surrounded by love each and every single day.  That’s gotta count for something.  The pain is part of the package, and i guess i am ok with that…i have no choice really.  I’ll take the pain because all the good i have certainly does outweigh it…it just doesn’t feel that way at the moment.