out with the old…

For a million years or so it seems…you and I had our own tradition.  To be the first to wish each other Happy Birthday.  At midnight…you would be the first to call me…email me…text me…and then continue throughout the whole day…and extend it to the next…wishing me a Happy Day After Your Birthday.  Whether you were provinces away or countries away…you never failed to call.

I don’t expect it this year…not a call not an email.

And it’s ok.

Our time together…it was amazing wasn’t it?  A love like ours…people hated it.  They were jealous…and just didn’t understand that 2 people could connect the way we did.

For our time together….you gave me everything I ever needed in someone.  You filled a void I carried with me almost my whole life.  You filled that void.  I still maintain that I needed you more…more than any partner, any person in the world.  You were essential to my inhale and exhale.

So…as life goes…things change.  And we changed….so very much.  We traveled 2 completely different roads…and those roads never crossed…they just pulled us further apart from what we had.

I grieved you…far too long I think…but I grieved.

Who wouldn’t grieve the loss of the best thing that ever happened to them?

I am a different person now.  Not too sure if you would recognize or embrace the me I’ve become.  I know you are a different person now too…I am thinking…hopefully for the better.

I am better now.  And I don’t know how to say this without sounding callous or selfish…or a bitch…because that is not my intention in any of this.

You were what I needed for so very long.  You filled this deep hole in me.  You loved me broken, bruised and torn.  You also loved my achievements and never hesitated to tell me how very proud of me you were.  You were… metaphorically speaking…my life line.

But I had to learn how to live without you.  It was painful, I was angry…how could u choose anything over us????

I’ve lived without you.  And since you have been gone…there has been no void.  If anything my life has been filled with so much love and light and laughter and joy…since I’ve “learned” to live without you.  I let go of the old to let in the new…and I found a whole new world I was blinded to while I was busy loving you.

I will always love you…I will always care for you.  There is a piece of my heart that will always belong to you and me and the memories we made…because there were A LOT of good memories….

But I have everything I have ever wanted in my life…and more.  I have an abundance of love…I have and I have…and I have more.

So this year…I don’t need anything.  So I am sending my birthday wish to you.  I wish you success, love and mostly peace.  I wish for you a quiet mind and an unburdened heart.  I wish you healing and love.  I wish for you…what you have always wished for me.  My wish has been granted….i wish for you now…I wish for you.

I love you.

No no…eff you

I sent P an email a couple of weeks ago. I was very non confrontational and basically just told him I was concerned about where his addiction was leading him. I wondered aloud that if crashing his car through a beer store at 3:30 in the morning wasn’t a sign that he had a drinking problem…then what was? Nevermind breaking into your own parents house to empty their fridge with whatever alcohol they had. His own parents.
I said that I was sending the email out of love and not to lecture him or get his back up.
His addiction does not stop at alcohol…he is also a heavy drug user…both street and prescription drugs.
I told him I was pointing out what I have seen over the years…a slow and painful death of someone I love more than the world itself. I asked him to email me back.
He checked his email…then proceeded to change his facebook picture to one of him giving the camera the finger. Message received P.
No…fuck you and your addictions.
This all sucks major ass.

her addiction

I received an email from my “best friend” yesterday.  After nobody knowing her where abouts or if she was dead or alive…she has resurfaced.

Her email was cold, angry…lacking any sort of emotion.  It actually threw me into a rage.  I quickly hit the “respond” button…sat for a bit…and then shut off the computer.  My motto this year is “let it go”.

A little background…a little history.

My best friend (and I use that term loosely) is a drug addict.  Her parents have spent thousands of dollars to get her rehabilitated.  Sometimes the rehab works for months but she always goes back to life style that has been killing her soul.

She used to be the person I would trust my life with.  She was my best friend and confidant…and once upon a time I would have given my own life to save hers.  Sounds dramatic I know, but it’s the truth.

She was the type of person that I could sit with for hours in complete silence and feel satisfied.  The one I could talk to for hours and feel like we didn’t talk enough.  The one I would share all my secrets with…

She was my best friend in every sense of the word.  Over 11 years.

The first time she went missing killed me.  I couldn’t fathom losing her…I couldn’t even begin to understand what it was she was going through.  I believed in her and our love…believed she would overcome anything…and that I would help her.

But nothing changed.  She always went back to the drug.  A sordid love affair I could never understand. I slowly realized I could not save her. 

Many moons ago I promised her I would never leave her.  And I never did.  It dawned on me that it was HER that left me.

I grew tired of the calls from her mother crying begging me to help.  I grew so very tired of calling people I didn’t even know to see if they had heard from her…tired of visiting not so safe places in search of her addict friends.

So I grew a thick skin and said good bye to the girl I once knew.  That girl is dead.  Her replacement is anything but desirable.  

So this email that she sent me yesterday was acknowledging that we no longer had a relationship and that it was her doing.  She wished me well in my life…and then ended it with a feel sorry story.  I can’t feel sorry for her…and I don’t.

In the past I would have responded, but not this time.  This email is from a complete stranger…my best friend died years ago…SHE would never get the email.

She’s been clean for 14 days.  I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard that.  I wish this person well and pray that she makes me…and my best friend proud.

Sad to say…but I am not holding my breath.

your addiction

I haven’t heard from you in some time.  That’s never good.
For the umpteenth time you were getting yourself clean.  I got that familiar phone call from you…telling me you had enough.  things were different this time.  You were going to succeed in getting clean.
If I had a dollar for every time you and I acted out that scenario.
When you ended up in the hospital…well really that was my last straw.  I was too emotionally invested in you…in us.
You were my best friend.  11 years of loving you…you loving me.  I have ached for that the past few years.
But I had to back away.  You were killing me in the process of killing you.  Your addiction is so evil and self centred.
A couple months ago I got *the* call.  You tried to die.  A part of me wondered if perhaps you should.  I don’t mean that in a mean and spiteful way.  All I meant by that was…if you are destined for a life so full of agony and pain…perhaps i wasn’t someone who should judge.  I wasn’t the one sticking needles in my arms, snorting shit up my nose…going on binges that lasted for days.
No I was the one who went searching for you for a month when you were missing…I was the one for years thinking that you were dead.  I was the one who layed awake at night and wondered if you were still alive…i was the one watching you die.  I was the one crying for you…and loving you so very much.
I think I have been prepared for your death for a while now.
I know, in my heart of hearts you are using again.  It’s not like us to not talk.  I don’t know if you are dead or alive.  See, when you were missing…your parents called me 20 times a day…EVERY day.  Sadly, they would never call me to let me know if anything happened.
So perhaps I need to tell my heart…that you are gone.  Cause truth be told…your addiction has killed the person I loved.  I don’t even know you any more.
And i am tired.  Very very tired…
Although i have backed away…very far away…and refuse to call you…to show you that you affect me…I still sit here in the late night hours wondering if you are ok.

I fuking HATE your addiction.