the firsts…

They say the “firsts” are the hardest.  You know, the first holiday, first birthday… the firsts.

The firsts were hard.  The fact that this was my first birthday (or should I say OUR first birthday) without you…well it was a sorrow I can’t really define. Christmas…every Saturday night…when you would visit.  The absence was eerily obvious.

Life has a crazy way of moving on.  A part of me wants the world to stop occasionally.  I don’t want it to forget you.

It doesn’t hurt as much as I expected it to.  I think because I have convinced myself that where you are now has got to be better than where you were the last few months before you died.  I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. Knowing you are free from pain and not suffering is somewhat a comfort to me.

It doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.  Because I do.  I don’t think a day has gone by where you haven’t crossed my mind.

So much has happened in a year.  I wish you could have met your “grand daughter”.  You would have been crazy in love with her.

It’s sad what has unraveled in your absence.  The downward slope nouna has taken…it’s not her fault…but it’s hard to watch.

Sad, that no one deems it important to put up a tombstone…so we can visit you…lay flowers for you…just sit and talk to you.  Sad that it seems the people who carry your blood, will not carry on your legacy.

You deserved so much more than that.

One year ago today…you died.  It sat in the pit of my stomach all day.  An ache.  A missing.  I miss you so very much.

BUT I won’t sit here and mourn you (although I think I am allowed to just a little)

I am celebrating everything you were.  What you represented.  Who you were as a person…the very significant role you played in my life.

I am celebrating your life.

I will never forget you nouno.

But I do miss you. Crazy miss you.

I saw the stars tonight.  I made sure to look.

Thank you for the stars.

recoup n’ regroup

I needed quiet time.  I needed “shhhhhh”  Although how I get that in a home with 5 critters is the question.

Over indulding…over eating, over drinking, over loading…go-big-or-go-home-goddess-like things.

Go go go!

Tonight I said stop.

Socially over stimulated, old friends, new friends, family, laughter…and more laughter…happy tears…over-loving…wait no…that’s not right…

An abundance of love…tears because of love, smiles because of love…monkey love heh heh.  Never too much monkey love!

I put on the brakes tonight.  I wanted some time…to recoup and regroup.

Take a break from the break.

I am spent and content.
I welcomed the noise…now I welcome the quiet.

I made the decision the other night to venture out into the village.  I haven’t made an appearance there since…oh…August I think.  Drinks and old friends and catching up…and love…hugs…the kind that take your breath away…the kind that make you wonder why you stayed away so long.  The kind that only someone who loves you can give you.

Over stimulation I say.

And I loved every single bit of it.

Tonight is hushed and quiet…and calm and reflective.  So many moments floating through this head of mine that I am sure I have a million things to write about.

But I already broke my first promise to myself tonight.  I am not supposed to be here.  If I am “talking” I am not being quiet now am I?

I can’t help it tho…

Even tho I’m quiet…my heart has so much to say.

But i won’t.  Not tonight.

I am off to bed with a good book…and my run away carcass eating dog…who incidentally has gas that could kill a small village…

But anyways…that’s for another day lol

I’m off…g’nite

christmas rambles…

Being on vacation and it being the holiday season…has made the days run into eachother.

I have to actually think about what day of the week it is.

My vacation has been long over due…my body is enjoying the “rest”.

I am not too sure how much rest you can get celebrating, but it’s been nice not to have to worry about getting to the office (although I will be going in tomorrow on my own time just to finish off some things before 2008 passes us by)

Christmas was amazing.  I managed to get spoiled crazy!!!  My body is sore from the wii fit.  I can tell you tho that I got some mad hula hoop skills kids. Lol

I got pretty much everything I asked for and then some.

My niece made Christmas all the more special.  I have my facebook riddled with pictures of her…so if you are on there go take a look at the gorgeousness that is my niece.

It was wonderful…all of it.  Elle Bee and I opening gifts in the early morning…sitting by the tree, drinking coffee.  Everything I got meant something…so well thought out…so nice to have someone in your life that listens to you…and captures what’s important…and holds on to it…

Oh I am babbling…but my point was that it was awesome.

This year was the best Christmas I have ever had…ever.

You know what’s scary?  Today was even more awesome.  A Monday spent at the Laundromat.  ‘Tis true.

We had so much fun.  Throwing clothes in the washers…going for a bite to eat and then coming back to fold together….I am pretty sure we made everyone around us want to vomit.  I am sure they felt the moony moony vibes a mile away.  Not like we were sucking face or anything like that…but really…have you ever seen people excited about laundry?? Lol

No one could shit on our parade. Lol

I had the luxury of an early evening nap….and so I am pretty much wide awake right now.  Hence the  blog of rambles.

Tomorrow I will start to get the house ready for the next celebration.  New Years Eve.  I am excited!!!  Nothing like good company, good food, some drinks and a new start.

Everything is going where I want it to go…

Everything is feeling so right…everything feels as it should…

And I feel perfect…I feel magical…I feel blessed.

I AM blessed.

I am off to try and get some shut eye.

Hope your Xmas was as magical and beautiful as mine.

oh xmas tree…

I spent the evening wrapping gifts.  I am finally done.  I am able to say that yes…this goddess is ready for Xmas!

I was supposed to go into work tomorrow to get some last minute things done.  My boss emailed me tonight on my crackberry and told me to work from home.  Yay!  It’s snowing like crazy out there, which would make my drive in brutal…and besides this way I can stay up a little longer than I should.

I am soooo excited about Xmas this year!!  I just poured myself a glass of wine, lit some candles…and decided to let my blog world know that I am ready.

I’ve never looked forward to Xmas like I have this year.  I am not too sure why.  Maybe it’s my niece…her first Xmas…the first baby in our family.  Maybe it’s because of Elle Bee and her Xmas spirit?  Maybe it’s because for the first time in a long time…I am just so absolutely happy with life.  2008 wasn’t such a bad year.  I mean it wasn’t perfect…there were A LOT of changes and adjustments…but out of those changes…so much good came.

So as it is in my nature…I sat here and reflected a bit.  Tomorrow…a year ago…was when I went to say good bye to my godfather.  It’s been a year already…and it really doesn’t feel that way.  January 13^th will be a year that he has been gone.  I miss him a lot…but I am also thankful he is no longer in pain…and I know he’s here with me.

Yes, life took a lot of leaps and turns this year…and I survived them all.  It was a good year my friends…a fantastic year.

I wanted to share my tree with you…so take a look below.  People are saying there is a recession….apparently I didn’t get the memo. Lol.  I kid…thank you Master Card.

I just CAN’T wait.

Merry Xmas friends…

ready for xmas…

Well I did it…I finished all my Christmas shopping.  I got an earlier start than normal this year and today I planned on getting that “last” gift.  Of course the last gift turned into about 5…but the point is I got it done.

I spent way too much money this year.  I probably say that every year…but this year I mean it.  Who cares…it’s just money…and it made me so happy!!!  This year is a good year…and I am so excited to spend and celebrate Christmas with everyone I love!!!

I am most excited about Christmas with Elle Bee…it was so exciting shopping for things…I actually had to tell myself to stop!

Elle Bee makes me look forward to Xmas this year….

So tomorrow I am going to run a few errands…cook Elle Bee a fantabulous dinner…then pour myself a glass of wine…or 2 and wrap all my gifts.

What a great day off.

M is crashing here tonight.  I am waiting ever so patiently for him to call so I can go pick him up from the GO.  It’s not too late…and I am not too sure why I feel a little panicked…lol.  I feel kind of motherly towards him (for a lack of better words)

Is this how my ma felt when I would be late?  Lol

I am having waaayyy too much fun with my new camera.  The kids are potentially blind from the flash every 2 minutes lol…wait until I see my niece.  Poor kid.  But she is just way too beautiful…I can’t help myself.

Sorry this isn’t as exciting as I wanted it to be…I’ve just been so crazy busy…and all in a good way of course.

And incase I don’t find time to visit here before Xmas…

May you all have a safe and blessed Christmas.

I can’t wait to hear your stories and tell you my own.

Much love to you all.

my perfect day…

I’ve had the most perfect day.

I went to work and found that N came in early just to decorate my desk..how sweet is that???

Then N and D took me out for lunch…
My family and friends called me one by one…my niece even said “happy birthday old bag” lol.  OK it was more like “ababdooooaaakkk” but I got the meaning behind the gibber.
I came home to a present sitting on my coffee table…it was so pretty I didn’t even want to open it.  OK…who am I kidding…I SO wanted to open it.
Elle Bee got me the most amazing digital camera!!!  I almost peed!!!!!  The memory card is not the right one…but who cares??  It’s a NEW digital camera.  I can totally test it out at the Xmas party tomorrow!!!
After the gift giving I was taken out for an awesome Indian dinner where I indulged…and then had CAKE…with candles…
I had Happy Birthday sung to me….
I was surrounded by my “kids” and my love

My heart is going to burst…seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I am sitting here on the couch…waiting for sleep to take me…reflecting.

Elle Bee has always spoiled me…but this week has been insane.  I have received gift after gift after gift.  I tried on my Xmas present…which is the most beautiful leather jacket I have ever seen….fits me perfectly…the tommy sweatshirt just because….dinners and lunches…spoiled rotten I tell you.

But it’s not the stuff that costs money…it really isn’t.  I mean it’s exciting and all…that someone wants and can shower you with monetary gifts…

But as corny as I know I am going to sound…it’s the love.  It’s just the love.

I can almost guarantee you…that no one loves the way Elle Bee loves.  I am such an insanely lucky girl…tonight and always.

The older I get, the better life seems.  Odd isn’t it?  Every year it gets better.  It’s just time goes by so very fast!  When did I become this…old?  Wasn’t it just yesterday I was still in my 20’s?

And the years will only go by faster…flashing before my eyes…
I don’t intend to waste it feeling old.

I got too much left to do

To top off the perfect bday..i will be snowed in in the morning…I have no choice but to work from home in my pj’s sipping on my java…then get all dolled up for an Xmas party.

Oh life is tuff.

Life is damn sweet.

sweet…

The Christmas tree is up.  This isn’t just any Christmas tree…it’s the tree my parents bought right before I was born J  Because my mom is a total clean freak (scary OCD kinda freak lol)  this tree is in perfect condition…and I couldn’t wait to claim it as my own…in my own home…to begin new traditions with the old.

There is something so familiar and comforting…looking at all the lights glowing…the old ornaments…the skirt.  It feels like home.

Not bad for someone who is not a fan of Christmas…or should I be saying wasn’t a fan of Christmas.

So the lights are out…the fireplace is going… the snow is falling…and the tree is all lit up.

It’s an almost perfect evening.

This is going to be an amazing Christmas.  Not because of the gifts…and not because of the time off (although God knows I NEED this time off)

But because of the love.  There is so much love in my life…sometimes it’s overwhelming.

I am a lucky girl…<big sigh>

I can’t even see outside there’s so much snow…so perhaps I’ll be even luckier and work from home tomorrow.

Oh life is good…life is good.

No no…eff you

I sent P an email a couple of weeks ago. I was very non confrontational and basically just told him I was concerned about where his addiction was leading him. I wondered aloud that if crashing his car through a beer store at 3:30 in the morning wasn’t a sign that he had a drinking problem…then what was? Nevermind breaking into your own parents house to empty their fridge with whatever alcohol they had. His own parents.
I said that I was sending the email out of love and not to lecture him or get his back up.
His addiction does not stop at alcohol…he is also a heavy drug user…both street and prescription drugs.
I told him I was pointing out what I have seen over the years…a slow and painful death of someone I love more than the world itself. I asked him to email me back.
He checked his email…then proceeded to change his facebook picture to one of him giving the camera the finger. Message received P.
No…fuck you and your addictions.
This all sucks major ass.

my daddy…

Back in the summer while visiting my parents…i noticed something not right on my daddy’s back.  We were outside in the backyard, having a drink and enjoying the sun…daddy had his shirt off…and that’s when i caught a glimpse of his mole.  This mole was HUGE…was not in any means round and smooth and at LEAST 5 times bigger than the last time i saw it.  All i could say was “dad you gotta get that shit checked out”  Apparently my mom had told him the same thing…but he wouldn’t listen.  He didn’t think it had changed that much.  Anyways…he listened to me and made an appt to get it looked at after his trip to Greece.  I later found out when we were alone…that he wanted to check it out after his vacation…in case it was something bad.  My daddy was scared.
Fast forward to today.  I couldn’t remember if he was getting his biopsy results today or tomorrow.  I called home…and ma said “so your dad got his results back” i said “aaannnd????”
She says:

It’s cancer.

She said it like the word cancer meant rainbows and butterflies…so nonchalant…like it was no big deal.
She continued to tell me that his doctor said if you are meant to get cancer, this is the best cancer to get.  Funny that’s what my doctor told me about my cervix…that it was the best place to have cancer.  Well if she thought that…she could have it…cause i didn’t want it.  Ask anyone who has dealt with cancer if it makes it all ok that it’s a “good one”  anywaaayyys
Apparently if the mole is removed it doesn’t spread…it doesn’t have the potential to turn into a “worse” cancer.  He can get the cancer again…but it would be unrelated.
Is it just me or are people way too ok with it all?  I know..i completely get how much worse it could have been.  I get that my dad is “just fine”.
But it got me to thinking…
My daddy is getting older.  He’s not that young, strong daddy i knew my whole life…but he isn’t an old geezer either.  He’s just my daddy…
And one day…I will get the same phone call…with more bad news…something serious, something tragic…something life altering.
It just made me see that daddy’s don’t stick around forever…
He’s good now…and that makes me warm and fuzzy inside…cause I want him around forever…
We’ve had our share of grief due to cancer…each and every one of us has been touched in some way by it…
It’s just not something you want for someone you love.

There should be a rule…daddy’s should live forever.

missing…

my life has been craaaazy as of late.

I have been so busy that i have not had ANY time to write..or should i say to write anything worthwhile.

Work has completely changed…i am working TWO full time positions at the moment.  It’s insanity…however the more i learn the more i enjoy being this busy.  Go figure.  They gave me a crackberry…and to be honest it’s not as much of an intruision to my life as i thought it would be….it’s actually quite helpful.

I get to hang out with Daryl Sitler…me and Daryl, chilling out.  Imagine.  All the men in my life are crazy excited for me lol…me…meh, he may be a famous dood…but he is also just a person.  This is one of the perks of my job.

My niece is due in 4 days!!!!!  Chances are she won’t be coming on her exact due date…but the day is fast approaching and i just CAN’T wait to meet her…see her…hold her.  I can’t recall a time where i have ever been so eager for something to happen.

I just wanted to drop buy and fill a page with some random thoughts…let people know that, no…i am not dead

Hopefully i’ll be back sooner than later