recoup n’ regroup

I needed quiet time.  I needed “shhhhhh”  Although how I get that in a home with 5 critters is the question.

Over indulding…over eating, over drinking, over loading…go-big-or-go-home-goddess-like things.

Go go go!

Tonight I said stop.

Socially over stimulated, old friends, new friends, family, laughter…and more laughter…happy tears…over-loving…wait no…that’s not right…

An abundance of love…tears because of love, smiles because of love…monkey love heh heh.  Never too much monkey love!

I put on the brakes tonight.  I wanted some time…to recoup and regroup.

Take a break from the break.

I am spent and content.
I welcomed the noise…now I welcome the quiet.

I made the decision the other night to venture out into the village.  I haven’t made an appearance there since…oh…August I think.  Drinks and old friends and catching up…and love…hugs…the kind that take your breath away…the kind that make you wonder why you stayed away so long.  The kind that only someone who loves you can give you.

Over stimulation I say.

And I loved every single bit of it.

Tonight is hushed and quiet…and calm and reflective.  So many moments floating through this head of mine that I am sure I have a million things to write about.

But I already broke my first promise to myself tonight.  I am not supposed to be here.  If I am “talking” I am not being quiet now am I?

I can’t help it tho…

Even tho I’m quiet…my heart has so much to say.

But i won’t.  Not tonight.

I am off to bed with a good book…and my run away carcass eating dog…who incidentally has gas that could kill a small village…

But anyways…that’s for another day lol

I’m off…g’nite

more on the ex…

A few nights ago…1am…my crackberry goes off.

I was thinking it was Elle Bee, giving me a sweet good night message.

Nope.

It was “the ex”

All it said was “u awake”

I said “yes”

“can u call me” was the response.

Oy vay.

Call the ex.  I can’t remember the last time we had a phone conversation more than 3 words.  It’s usually when we have to do the civil custodial doggy exchange. The ex asks me to come outside and get the dog…because god forbid they actually come in to my home.  The “current” sits in the car and flashes me that fake smile, and a half assed wave…and I too return the all too fake favour.  Not too sure what stops me from flashing her the finger…but I digress.

The “ex” says they had a fight.  It was pretty cryptic…and the ex was actually very respectful and not blaming the current…the “ex” just needed a friend.

Isn’t that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic.

(I have always wanted a reason to use that line…and well this seemed like the only and most appropriate time lmao)

Friend.  Hmm.

We had discussed during our breakup that a friendship was something that was important to both of us.  Considering, as I have said before…that that is where we had started…we would do what we could to maintain it.  A friendship like that is a rarity…or so I had believed.

Sure we send eachother emails…we keep eachother up to date…we joke, we laugh but we pretty much keep anything serious out of conversation’s way.

It had developed into a non-friendship if you will.  Almost an obligation.

I didn’t think too much of it.  I mean sure a small part of me had wished it were somehow different…but it is what it is right?  You can’t change it…you just accept it.
I know the ex harbored strong feelings for me.  I was the one who ended it.  It’s always harder on the one being left.  It was hard on me to make that decision…but I was not the one still in love…and apparently blindsided.

I have invited them both into my home.  I have invited them for dinner.  I have invited them over just because.  Every single invitation declined.  For God’s sake…they don’t even come into my home to give me my dog. I thought maybe it was hard for the ex…being that this was their home for a while…but nah….
I’ve been around enough to know better.

So the truth started to come out in our conversation.  How the ex loves me as a friend.  Defends our friendship to the current and claims to mention that they will never stop being my friend.  Basically the current needs to deal with it.

Such a manly thing to say…and yet…nothing about us screams out “friends”.

So the ex says…the current is uncomfortable with us being friends.  Quelle shocker!!!  NOT.

The current can hang out with an old fuck buddy…but the ex cannot hang out with me because it’s “different”.  Go figure.  “can’t” hang out with me.  I wanted to tell the ex to grow a set…but decided against it.

The ex says that the current is somewhat valid in her feelings.  After all they were friends first so she had to hear about how much the ex was inlove with me…how the ex has never loved someone like me etc.

I kinda get it…

BUT

Get over it!!!!!!

I have moved on.  The ex has moved on.  I have no desire to ever get back with my ex. The ex is an ex for a reason….no thank you.

They love eachother…they have committed to eachother…hell there are even rings involved.

So get over it!!!!!!

I am not going to beg for a friendship.  It’s not my style.  I have given much opportunity to have the current get to know me…to see that I am no threat….to see that her “catch” is the fish I gladly threw back into the ocean.

I just listened…of course I gave the “ex” some grief for how they are handling it all. I gotta be me lol.

But the next day I sent an email to the ex…saying it was nice to talk again (and it really was)

That my offer still stands…they are both welcome to my home.  The invitation is open…

However…I will not ask again.

I won’t beg.  Never have never will.

I find it amusing tho…that my whole adult life…any woman I have ever known (or should I say…not known) has perceived me as a threat.

To all those women I say…if I wanted what you got…I never would have let them go.  On to bigger and better things…

Get a grip and grow up.  Deal with your insecurities.

Being insecure doesn’t hold on to your other half…it only makes them question if they did the right thing by being with you.

“your” love is on the phone with me…questioning YOUR relationship.

Let it go woman or you will lose what you believe to be “the one”.

Yeah…I know I AM all that…but I don’t want what I already had lol

God I crack myself up.

This woman cracks me up even more.

That is all…vent over.

christmas rambles…

Being on vacation and it being the holiday season…has made the days run into eachother.

I have to actually think about what day of the week it is.

My vacation has been long over due…my body is enjoying the “rest”.

I am not too sure how much rest you can get celebrating, but it’s been nice not to have to worry about getting to the office (although I will be going in tomorrow on my own time just to finish off some things before 2008 passes us by)

Christmas was amazing.  I managed to get spoiled crazy!!!  My body is sore from the wii fit.  I can tell you tho that I got some mad hula hoop skills kids. Lol

I got pretty much everything I asked for and then some.

My niece made Christmas all the more special.  I have my facebook riddled with pictures of her…so if you are on there go take a look at the gorgeousness that is my niece.

It was wonderful…all of it.  Elle Bee and I opening gifts in the early morning…sitting by the tree, drinking coffee.  Everything I got meant something…so well thought out…so nice to have someone in your life that listens to you…and captures what’s important…and holds on to it…

Oh I am babbling…but my point was that it was awesome.

This year was the best Christmas I have ever had…ever.

You know what’s scary?  Today was even more awesome.  A Monday spent at the Laundromat.  ‘Tis true.

We had so much fun.  Throwing clothes in the washers…going for a bite to eat and then coming back to fold together….I am pretty sure we made everyone around us want to vomit.  I am sure they felt the moony moony vibes a mile away.  Not like we were sucking face or anything like that…but really…have you ever seen people excited about laundry?? Lol

No one could shit on our parade. Lol

I had the luxury of an early evening nap….and so I am pretty much wide awake right now.  Hence the  blog of rambles.

Tomorrow I will start to get the house ready for the next celebration.  New Years Eve.  I am excited!!!  Nothing like good company, good food, some drinks and a new start.

Everything is going where I want it to go…

Everything is feeling so right…everything feels as it should…

And I feel perfect…I feel magical…I feel blessed.

I AM blessed.

I am off to try and get some shut eye.

Hope your Xmas was as magical and beautiful as mine.

oh xmas tree…

I spent the evening wrapping gifts.  I am finally done.  I am able to say that yes…this goddess is ready for Xmas!

I was supposed to go into work tomorrow to get some last minute things done.  My boss emailed me tonight on my crackberry and told me to work from home.  Yay!  It’s snowing like crazy out there, which would make my drive in brutal…and besides this way I can stay up a little longer than I should.

I am soooo excited about Xmas this year!!  I just poured myself a glass of wine, lit some candles…and decided to let my blog world know that I am ready.

I’ve never looked forward to Xmas like I have this year.  I am not too sure why.  Maybe it’s my niece…her first Xmas…the first baby in our family.  Maybe it’s because of Elle Bee and her Xmas spirit?  Maybe it’s because for the first time in a long time…I am just so absolutely happy with life.  2008 wasn’t such a bad year.  I mean it wasn’t perfect…there were A LOT of changes and adjustments…but out of those changes…so much good came.

So as it is in my nature…I sat here and reflected a bit.  Tomorrow…a year ago…was when I went to say good bye to my godfather.  It’s been a year already…and it really doesn’t feel that way.  January 13^th will be a year that he has been gone.  I miss him a lot…but I am also thankful he is no longer in pain…and I know he’s here with me.

Yes, life took a lot of leaps and turns this year…and I survived them all.  It was a good year my friends…a fantastic year.

I wanted to share my tree with you…so take a look below.  People are saying there is a recession….apparently I didn’t get the memo. Lol.  I kid…thank you Master Card.

I just CAN’T wait.

Merry Xmas friends…

ready for xmas…

Well I did it…I finished all my Christmas shopping.  I got an earlier start than normal this year and today I planned on getting that “last” gift.  Of course the last gift turned into about 5…but the point is I got it done.

I spent way too much money this year.  I probably say that every year…but this year I mean it.  Who cares…it’s just money…and it made me so happy!!!  This year is a good year…and I am so excited to spend and celebrate Christmas with everyone I love!!!

I am most excited about Christmas with Elle Bee…it was so exciting shopping for things…I actually had to tell myself to stop!

Elle Bee makes me look forward to Xmas this year….

So tomorrow I am going to run a few errands…cook Elle Bee a fantabulous dinner…then pour myself a glass of wine…or 2 and wrap all my gifts.

What a great day off.

M is crashing here tonight.  I am waiting ever so patiently for him to call so I can go pick him up from the GO.  It’s not too late…and I am not too sure why I feel a little panicked…lol.  I feel kind of motherly towards him (for a lack of better words)

Is this how my ma felt when I would be late?  Lol

I am having waaayyy too much fun with my new camera.  The kids are potentially blind from the flash every 2 minutes lol…wait until I see my niece.  Poor kid.  But she is just way too beautiful…I can’t help myself.

Sorry this isn’t as exciting as I wanted it to be…I’ve just been so crazy busy…and all in a good way of course.

And incase I don’t find time to visit here before Xmas…

May you all have a safe and blessed Christmas.

I can’t wait to hear your stories and tell you my own.

Much love to you all.

my perfect day…

I’ve had the most perfect day.

I went to work and found that N came in early just to decorate my desk..how sweet is that???

Then N and D took me out for lunch…
My family and friends called me one by one…my niece even said “happy birthday old bag” lol.  OK it was more like “ababdooooaaakkk” but I got the meaning behind the gibber.
I came home to a present sitting on my coffee table…it was so pretty I didn’t even want to open it.  OK…who am I kidding…I SO wanted to open it.
Elle Bee got me the most amazing digital camera!!!  I almost peed!!!!!  The memory card is not the right one…but who cares??  It’s a NEW digital camera.  I can totally test it out at the Xmas party tomorrow!!!
After the gift giving I was taken out for an awesome Indian dinner where I indulged…and then had CAKE…with candles…
I had Happy Birthday sung to me….
I was surrounded by my “kids” and my love

My heart is going to burst…seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I am sitting here on the couch…waiting for sleep to take me…reflecting.

Elle Bee has always spoiled me…but this week has been insane.  I have received gift after gift after gift.  I tried on my Xmas present…which is the most beautiful leather jacket I have ever seen….fits me perfectly…the tommy sweatshirt just because….dinners and lunches…spoiled rotten I tell you.

But it’s not the stuff that costs money…it really isn’t.  I mean it’s exciting and all…that someone wants and can shower you with monetary gifts…

But as corny as I know I am going to sound…it’s the love.  It’s just the love.

I can almost guarantee you…that no one loves the way Elle Bee loves.  I am such an insanely lucky girl…tonight and always.

The older I get, the better life seems.  Odd isn’t it?  Every year it gets better.  It’s just time goes by so very fast!  When did I become this…old?  Wasn’t it just yesterday I was still in my 20’s?

And the years will only go by faster…flashing before my eyes…
I don’t intend to waste it feeling old.

I got too much left to do

To top off the perfect bday..i will be snowed in in the morning…I have no choice but to work from home in my pj’s sipping on my java…then get all dolled up for an Xmas party.

Oh life is tuff.

Life is damn sweet.

out with the old…

For a million years or so it seems…you and I had our own tradition.  To be the first to wish each other Happy Birthday.  At midnight…you would be the first to call me…email me…text me…and then continue throughout the whole day…and extend it to the next…wishing me a Happy Day After Your Birthday.  Whether you were provinces away or countries away…you never failed to call.

I don’t expect it this year…not a call not an email.

And it’s ok.

Our time together…it was amazing wasn’t it?  A love like ours…people hated it.  They were jealous…and just didn’t understand that 2 people could connect the way we did.

For our time together….you gave me everything I ever needed in someone.  You filled a void I carried with me almost my whole life.  You filled that void.  I still maintain that I needed you more…more than any partner, any person in the world.  You were essential to my inhale and exhale.

So…as life goes…things change.  And we changed….so very much.  We traveled 2 completely different roads…and those roads never crossed…they just pulled us further apart from what we had.

I grieved you…far too long I think…but I grieved.

Who wouldn’t grieve the loss of the best thing that ever happened to them?

I am a different person now.  Not too sure if you would recognize or embrace the me I’ve become.  I know you are a different person now too…I am thinking…hopefully for the better.

I am better now.  And I don’t know how to say this without sounding callous or selfish…or a bitch…because that is not my intention in any of this.

You were what I needed for so very long.  You filled this deep hole in me.  You loved me broken, bruised and torn.  You also loved my achievements and never hesitated to tell me how very proud of me you were.  You were… metaphorically speaking…my life line.

But I had to learn how to live without you.  It was painful, I was angry…how could u choose anything over us????

I’ve lived without you.  And since you have been gone…there has been no void.  If anything my life has been filled with so much love and light and laughter and joy…since I’ve “learned” to live without you.  I let go of the old to let in the new…and I found a whole new world I was blinded to while I was busy loving you.

I will always love you…I will always care for you.  There is a piece of my heart that will always belong to you and me and the memories we made…because there were A LOT of good memories….

But I have everything I have ever wanted in my life…and more.  I have an abundance of love…I have and I have…and I have more.

So this year…I don’t need anything.  So I am sending my birthday wish to you.  I wish you success, love and mostly peace.  I wish for you a quiet mind and an unburdened heart.  I wish you healing and love.  I wish for you…what you have always wished for me.  My wish has been granted….i wish for you now…I wish for you.

I love you.

sweet…

The Christmas tree is up.  This isn’t just any Christmas tree…it’s the tree my parents bought right before I was born J  Because my mom is a total clean freak (scary OCD kinda freak lol)  this tree is in perfect condition…and I couldn’t wait to claim it as my own…in my own home…to begin new traditions with the old.

There is something so familiar and comforting…looking at all the lights glowing…the old ornaments…the skirt.  It feels like home.

Not bad for someone who is not a fan of Christmas…or should I be saying wasn’t a fan of Christmas.

So the lights are out…the fireplace is going… the snow is falling…and the tree is all lit up.

It’s an almost perfect evening.

This is going to be an amazing Christmas.  Not because of the gifts…and not because of the time off (although God knows I NEED this time off)

But because of the love.  There is so much love in my life…sometimes it’s overwhelming.

I am a lucky girl…<big sigh>

I can’t even see outside there’s so much snow…so perhaps I’ll be even luckier and work from home tomorrow.

Oh life is good…life is good.

trust…

I had a friend over for dinner last night.  I haven’t seen her in about 2 years, so it was great to see her and catch up.  I think I had a bit too much wine lol, but it was fun.

She finally got to meet my partner and it seems that they hit it off pretty well…that always makes me feel good.

We started talking about the past…as old friends often do…and she told me things that struck a chord in me…things I didn’t know before.

Her and my ex at one point became very good friends.  I more than encouraged a friendship between the both of them.  I am not the jealous type, and it was difficult for my ex to make friends…I thought it was great…and more importantly I trusted both of them.

One day, I walked into the bedroom and found my ex on the phone…speaking quietly.  It totally threw me off.  It wasn’t the fact that she was on the phone…it was the secrecy behind it all.  
She was talking to my friend…and when she got off the phone I voiced my opinion and how suddenly their friendship was concerning me.  I mean if you are just friends, why the secret phone calls?  I understand wanting some privacy, going into another room for quiet…etc.  I talked to my friend the next day…and apparently her boyfriend also had an issue with their developing friendship…he didn’t feel comfortable with it either (to be fair, the man is not very comfortable with gay people in his life)

I didn’t want their friendship to end…I just think it needed some boundaries.

Anyways…I found out last night that my ex would take the dog out for walks just to call my friend.  I never knew this.

It may not sound like a big deal…but to me it’s huge.

See…she obviously had a big crush on my friend…which I even knew back when we were together…I naively thought it was “cute”.

My ex was/is a preacher of morals…she was big on trust, big on being loyal.  I mean we lived together for over a year after we broke up and she didn’t want either of us to get into a relationship until she moved out because she felt it would be disrespectful to our relationship.

Meanwhile, I find out that she would sneak out of the house to call my friend.  This bothers me…it bothers me because I trusted her.  It bothers me because those phone calls were done behind my back.  If she was just a friend…why hide the calls? 

Through our whole break up she always threw in my face how loyal and dedicated she was to our relationship (as I was)…and always accused me of straying.

I have a hard time trusting people.  When I do trust someone, it’s with all of my heart.  I am not going to bring this up with the ex…because..well it’s the past and it’s done.

If my partner today felt that she needed to leave the house just to make a phone call…well it would hurt.  I wouldn’t tolerate it.  I’m not one for secrets…especially the cheating kind.  That’s what it feels like…like the ex was trying to move to the next level with my friend…

I would hope that if my partner was interested in someone…that she would have the respect to TELL me…and then proceed…

Just venting….

your addiction

I haven’t heard from you in some time.  That’s never good.
For the umpteenth time you were getting yourself clean.  I got that familiar phone call from you…telling me you had enough.  things were different this time.  You were going to succeed in getting clean.
If I had a dollar for every time you and I acted out that scenario.
When you ended up in the hospital…well really that was my last straw.  I was too emotionally invested in you…in us.
You were my best friend.  11 years of loving you…you loving me.  I have ached for that the past few years.
But I had to back away.  You were killing me in the process of killing you.  Your addiction is so evil and self centred.
A couple months ago I got *the* call.  You tried to die.  A part of me wondered if perhaps you should.  I don’t mean that in a mean and spiteful way.  All I meant by that was…if you are destined for a life so full of agony and pain…perhaps i wasn’t someone who should judge.  I wasn’t the one sticking needles in my arms, snorting shit up my nose…going on binges that lasted for days.
No I was the one who went searching for you for a month when you were missing…I was the one for years thinking that you were dead.  I was the one who layed awake at night and wondered if you were still alive…i was the one watching you die.  I was the one crying for you…and loving you so very much.
I think I have been prepared for your death for a while now.
I know, in my heart of hearts you are using again.  It’s not like us to not talk.  I don’t know if you are dead or alive.  See, when you were missing…your parents called me 20 times a day…EVERY day.  Sadly, they would never call me to let me know if anything happened.
So perhaps I need to tell my heart…that you are gone.  Cause truth be told…your addiction has killed the person I loved.  I don’t even know you any more.
And i am tired.  Very very tired…
Although i have backed away…very far away…and refuse to call you…to show you that you affect me…I still sit here in the late night hours wondering if you are ok.

I fuking HATE your addiction.