Daddy…

I love you.

For everything you are and everything you have ever been to me…I love you.

 

I love you…even though you don’t really know me…

I just don’t allow you.

I guess I don’t have faith in the fact that you will love me no matter what.

But I know that you love me…

And struggle to let me just be…I see how hard it is for you to not interfere.

I do.

When you told me today that you were proud of me…and got tears in your eyes…well you know…you killed me….

I never want to see my daddy cry…

I know your dreams and hate that I can’t make them come true

You think it’s a stubborn thing…

No daddy…it’s a “me” thing.

I know you would never understand, so I sit quietly on the sidelines almost hoping you’d just figure it out…just get it.

I’m just not ready to deal with the aftermath

I am just not ready to lose you.

I love you SO much…that I sacrifice myself…to save you.

I quiet my joy…I silence my love…so I may never have to make you uncomfortable.

Because I love you no matter what…with all your faults, with all the mistakes you ever made…with all the pain you have caused me through trial and error…

I love you daddy.

And I wish I could tell you that I am loved.  That I am protected and cared for.

That I am cherished and adored…and treated like the princess you created.

I wish I could brag and gush and tell you about my heart…and the way it beats…and the way it loves…

I wish I could tell you I found everything you ever wanted me to find…you know…the things you always said I deserved???

Well I found those things daddy…and I want to tell the world…I want to write sonnets and books of poetry to profess the love I have… that many never will.

I want to be corny and mushy…make people sick of me…

I want to grin from ear to ear and announce to the whole damn world that I am so madly, deeply in love.

But I’ll save that for another day…

I love you that much…

no more drama puhhlease…

I’ve had  a couple of trying weeks…actually just the weekends.

It seems that people wanted to make me the centre of their drama…and I have no time or desire to participate.  I wonder how I can be the centre of drama when I am not even there to witness said drama.

Now if I were the centre of the universe…I could deal with that J

It seems to me that the more I ignore the drama queens, the angrier they get.

Really people…you are not children, for gods sake, you men are old enough to be my father!

The he said she said games should have ended a long time ago…like high school perhaps?  The whole time I have known these men (since maybe November) there has been nothing but drama…never mind how high maintenance they are.  Just because you are gay and I am gay, does not make us automatic BFF’s.  The mentality just kills me!

I thought I was dealing with grown men, but apparently I have been mistaken.

So like a good adult girl, I didn’t like the direction our “friendship” was heading so I took a break.  My weekends are very precious to me, I work all week…the last thing I need is to be in the middle of their shit storm.  So I backed off and took some “me” time.  Apparently that makes me a bitch.

And to add to all this…their daughter is “madly in love with me”.  She doesn’t even know me…but whatever floats her boat I guess.  The fact that I do not reciprocate these feelings makes me a terrible person.  Never mind that they are fully aware I am in a relationship with someone who has been in my life for over 13 years…but I am the bitch.

Last time I checked I was an adult.  I left the games where they belong…on the school ground.  It is sad that I need to tell these men to grow up.  

What is even more sad is that their drama has infected my life momentarily.

I am a kind person…but there is only so much I can take…I would hate to scream out a hearty “fuck off” and call it a night.

Sorry if this is all over the place, I just had to get it out.

Happy Friday everyone!!

valentines day is every day…

I’ve never been one for Valentine’s Day.  I found I thought TOO much into the whole commercial aspect of it all.

I found I got a little bitter at the fact that there was a day created to show someone how much you love them.

I don’t want a “day”. 

I want to be loved every single day of my life, I want to feel loved…

(really…I am NOT high maintenance lol)

And here I am.  I am in such a loving relationship.  I am loved in ways I could only dream about before.  Every day is Valentines Day.  I know it sounds corny but it’s so true.  I am not saying our relationship goes on with zero conflict…yet even in conflict there is love.  She does little things every single day that make me feel respected, valued and completely loved.  It can be the simple act of making the bed (I hate getting into an unmade bed)  to cooking my favourite meal, to running a bath for me when I’ve had a very trying day.  It’s the way that I catch her looking at me when I’m not paying attention…that takes my breath away.  The way she reaches out to hold me when we are watching tv.  The way she rolls over in bed just to hold me when we are sleeping.  Even in sleep she is thinking about me.  It’s the way that we can laugh together till we are crying…or talk so seriously we speak in hushed tones.  It’s the way she stops whatever she is doing just to say “hey, I love you”.  The way we have the same thoughts and finish each others sentences.

We’ve known each other for a very long time.  We have over a decade of friendship under our belts, 3 years of being lovers…and over 2 years of being committed partners.  I am done searching.  As far as I am concerned, I have found my other half.  I have found the one I want to spend the rest of my living days with…the one I want to raise children with.  I have found the “one”.  And what a relief.  I am thankful to all my ex’s who helped me become the person I am today…without them, I would never be with who I was intended to be with.

So this Valentines…I am happy to celebrate my love.  Because I am loved every single day…I don’t mind taking a day and celebrating it.

I don’t need much…and what I have is more than enough for me.

decisions

I am not out to my family. 
The mere thought of telling them frightens me.
I come from a very old school European family…they frown upon anything outside of our cultural norm.  Telling my family I am gay would make them disown me forever.
But I’m gay.  It’s obvious it’s not a phase…I am with the love of my life…and hope to spend the rest of my days with her.  We talk about marriage, we talk about children…we talk and we want. 
But I cannot do all these things in the closet.  I cannot even keep up with my lies anymore.  I know that i will feel a sense of peace when i do eventually come out…but again, the mere thought of doing it scares me.
I am not ready to lose them…although they do not know (how they don’t know is beyond me) I love having them in my life.  To have them not is not something i am ready to face.
My partner doesn’t pressure me either way.  She supports all my decisions…supports me as her partner, as her lover.
One day I hope to find that back bone of mine…and be able to stand strong and tell my family the way it is…and walk away and be ok with the fact that i have lost them forever.
I am not so young anymore…and the clock is ticking for me in terms of having a baby.  I was born to be a mom…and it’s sad that I am letting my fear of their reaction stop me from doing what it is that I have always wanted to do.

Just getting it out there…so it’s not lingering inside of me.