your song…

“Squish head, squish head, roley poley squish head.  Eat ‘em up yum.  Eat ‘em…up…YUUUMMM”

where ever you are, where ever that may be…i hope someone is singing you your song.

out with the old…

For a million years or so it seems…you and I had our own tradition.  To be the first to wish each other Happy Birthday.  At midnight…you would be the first to call me…email me…text me…and then continue throughout the whole day…and extend it to the next…wishing me a Happy Day After Your Birthday.  Whether you were provinces away or countries away…you never failed to call.

I don’t expect it this year…not a call not an email.

And it’s ok.

Our time together…it was amazing wasn’t it?  A love like ours…people hated it.  They were jealous…and just didn’t understand that 2 people could connect the way we did.

For our time together….you gave me everything I ever needed in someone.  You filled a void I carried with me almost my whole life.  You filled that void.  I still maintain that I needed you more…more than any partner, any person in the world.  You were essential to my inhale and exhale.

So…as life goes…things change.  And we changed….so very much.  We traveled 2 completely different roads…and those roads never crossed…they just pulled us further apart from what we had.

I grieved you…far too long I think…but I grieved.

Who wouldn’t grieve the loss of the best thing that ever happened to them?

I am a different person now.  Not too sure if you would recognize or embrace the me I’ve become.  I know you are a different person now too…I am thinking…hopefully for the better.

I am better now.  And I don’t know how to say this without sounding callous or selfish…or a bitch…because that is not my intention in any of this.

You were what I needed for so very long.  You filled this deep hole in me.  You loved me broken, bruised and torn.  You also loved my achievements and never hesitated to tell me how very proud of me you were.  You were… metaphorically speaking…my life line.

But I had to learn how to live without you.  It was painful, I was angry…how could u choose anything over us????

I’ve lived without you.  And since you have been gone…there has been no void.  If anything my life has been filled with so much love and light and laughter and joy…since I’ve “learned” to live without you.  I let go of the old to let in the new…and I found a whole new world I was blinded to while I was busy loving you.

I will always love you…I will always care for you.  There is a piece of my heart that will always belong to you and me and the memories we made…because there were A LOT of good memories….

But I have everything I have ever wanted in my life…and more.  I have an abundance of love…I have and I have…and I have more.

So this year…I don’t need anything.  So I am sending my birthday wish to you.  I wish you success, love and mostly peace.  I wish for you a quiet mind and an unburdened heart.  I wish you healing and love.  I wish for you…what you have always wished for me.  My wish has been granted….i wish for you now…I wish for you.

I love you.

your addiction

I haven’t heard from you in some time.  That’s never good.
For the umpteenth time you were getting yourself clean.  I got that familiar phone call from you…telling me you had enough.  things were different this time.  You were going to succeed in getting clean.
If I had a dollar for every time you and I acted out that scenario.
When you ended up in the hospital…well really that was my last straw.  I was too emotionally invested in you…in us.
You were my best friend.  11 years of loving you…you loving me.  I have ached for that the past few years.
But I had to back away.  You were killing me in the process of killing you.  Your addiction is so evil and self centred.
A couple months ago I got *the* call.  You tried to die.  A part of me wondered if perhaps you should.  I don’t mean that in a mean and spiteful way.  All I meant by that was…if you are destined for a life so full of agony and pain…perhaps i wasn’t someone who should judge.  I wasn’t the one sticking needles in my arms, snorting shit up my nose…going on binges that lasted for days.
No I was the one who went searching for you for a month when you were missing…I was the one for years thinking that you were dead.  I was the one who layed awake at night and wondered if you were still alive…i was the one watching you die.  I was the one crying for you…and loving you so very much.
I think I have been prepared for your death for a while now.
I know, in my heart of hearts you are using again.  It’s not like us to not talk.  I don’t know if you are dead or alive.  See, when you were missing…your parents called me 20 times a day…EVERY day.  Sadly, they would never call me to let me know if anything happened.
So perhaps I need to tell my heart…that you are gone.  Cause truth be told…your addiction has killed the person I loved.  I don’t even know you any more.
And i am tired.  Very very tired…
Although i have backed away…very far away…and refuse to call you…to show you that you affect me…I still sit here in the late night hours wondering if you are ok.

I fuking HATE your addiction.

he’s gone…

They say that it is somehow easier to deal with death when someone you love dies from a long illness.  I’d like to know who “they” are.  I have some questions.

My godfather passed away last night.  I have known for some time that he was dying.  I was able to say my good bye’s and spend some time with him while he was still “him”.

For that, I am grateful.

I don’t think that knowing he was dying made anything easier.  Everyone is dying.  We know that we are all going to die someday…so really it shouldn’t come as a surprise.  I think knowing that he was dying just made me cry longer.  I’ve cried more than I care to admit these past couple of months over his impending death…and now he is gone.

I cried when I received the news, I cried before I fell asleep…and I woke up this morning and cried some more.

I am forever grateful that he didn’t suffer much.  I will be forever grateful that he is now in peace and no longer fighting this demon we call cancer.  I will be forever grateful that I had such a wonderful man in my life…for 34 years.  I will be forever grateful for all the memories I have inside my heart.

But knowing that he was dying didn’t take away the grief.  It just took away the element of surprise I suppose.

Knowing that he was dying didn’t comfort or soothe me.  It didn’t make any of this better.

I have dealt with people dying unexpectedly and now I have dealt with someone slowly dying.  I can’t say one trumps the other in grief.  Equal grief…death is death is death.

And he’s gone.  And my heart feels like it’s been trampled on.

I know it gets better.  I know that this too shall pass.

But right now…in this moment…I don’t feel ok.  I don’t want to feel ok.  I want him back happy and healthy.  I want things to be like they were before.

I know…I know.  No can do.

My belly hurts…I think it’s my heart really…hiding, cause it needs to mend a little.

I love you nouno. 

I miss you so much.