there’s something about jerry

Jerry owned me the second I saw her.  She was so tiny….the kind of tiny you are afraid to hold in your hands.  So tiny I had to stimulate her..ahem…”down there” to get her to go to the bathroom.

She could barely groom without falling over.  Watching her learn was hilarious!  Her meow to this day is barely audible…and her hiss…laughable.  She makes the effort but there is no sound. (although come to think of it, she never hisses anymore…maybe she is too embarrassed.)

We thought Jerry was a boy…hence the name.  After she was about 6 months old and examining many many diagrams on line lol…he was definitely a she.

Jerry had her own room in the house.  God forbid she would want to socialize.  She would cry to get in and stay there for hours…alone.

Thankfully somewhere along the line she did a 360…and became the most loveable, most social kitty.

You can’t not love jerry.  She makes sure of it.  The second anyone walks into the house…she is all over them like white on rice.  She is a total flirt (I’d like to think I taught her something)  If someone sleeps over…I can forget about seeing her till the morning…if I’m lucky.

There’s something about jerry.  Could be that even tho she is almost 3, she has a lot of kitten like qualities.  Her face is very kitten like, her teeth…are still baby teeth…and I don’t think she could weigh more than 5 pounds.

It could be the way she holds me down as I am sleeping…and I awaken to her sandpaper tongue on my lips.  No matter how much I try to move…she is always able to kiss me like crazy.  Could be the way she meows at me first thing when I get out of bed and we say our good mornings.  Could be the way she understands when you ask her for a hug, or the way she leans into you just so to get a hug of her own.

Every day is special with jerry.  We celebrate her birthday every single month.  No..not like a crazy cat lady party…just a little extra lovin’ on that day.  She will be 2 and a half in a couple of weeks.  Each birthday we get a little bit more anxious, every time her nose is a little too pale a little too long…we worry.  Every time she sleeps a little too long we wonder.

Jerry was given anywhere from 1.5 yrs to 3 yrs to live.  She has a huge hole in that tiny heart of hers.

She lives her life, as if she doesn’t know.  She loves hard…she plays crazy and rests when she needs to.

I really don’t think she knows…so I ain’t telling her.
Watch…she’ll outlive us all.

the firsts…

They say the “firsts” are the hardest.  You know, the first holiday, first birthday… the firsts.

The firsts were hard.  The fact that this was my first birthday (or should I say OUR first birthday) without you…well it was a sorrow I can’t really define. Christmas…every Saturday night…when you would visit.  The absence was eerily obvious.

Life has a crazy way of moving on.  A part of me wants the world to stop occasionally.  I don’t want it to forget you.

It doesn’t hurt as much as I expected it to.  I think because I have convinced myself that where you are now has got to be better than where you were the last few months before you died.  I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. Knowing you are free from pain and not suffering is somewhat a comfort to me.

It doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.  Because I do.  I don’t think a day has gone by where you haven’t crossed my mind.

So much has happened in a year.  I wish you could have met your “grand daughter”.  You would have been crazy in love with her.

It’s sad what has unraveled in your absence.  The downward slope nouna has taken…it’s not her fault…but it’s hard to watch.

Sad, that no one deems it important to put up a tombstone…so we can visit you…lay flowers for you…just sit and talk to you.  Sad that it seems the people who carry your blood, will not carry on your legacy.

You deserved so much more than that.

One year ago today…you died.  It sat in the pit of my stomach all day.  An ache.  A missing.  I miss you so very much.

BUT I won’t sit here and mourn you (although I think I am allowed to just a little)

I am celebrating everything you were.  What you represented.  Who you were as a person…the very significant role you played in my life.

I am celebrating your life.

I will never forget you nouno.

But I do miss you. Crazy miss you.

I saw the stars tonight.  I made sure to look.

Thank you for the stars.

a man and his dog…

Pappa is an 85 year old gentle soul of a man.  Sammy is his 14 year old canine companion.

They are inseparable.

Last year Pappa had a heart attack…or was it 2?  I can’t remember.   He lives on his own, his bride passed away about 10 years ago.

Pappa is a fiercely independent man, or at least he was.  He cooked and cleaned for himself.  Drove himself to church and grocery shopping.  Pappa even had a lady companion J

But his heart attack was near fatal.  He has a pacemaker now…which gets all hot if he sits out in the sun too long lol.  Kinda cute.  His license was taken away from him and now he relies on his children to come over and maintain a house he refuses to get rid of.  When you talk to Pappa you have to talk reallllllly loud.  Even with his hearing aids he is still very hard of hearing.

Sammy is an old guy…he’s about 98 in dog years.  He was just diagnosed with a tumor in his anal gland.  Pappa is at his wits end.

Sammy is also almost completely deaf.  Seeing Pappa talk to Sammy is quite amusing…Pappa is so soft spoken he is hard to hear on a good day.

They make quite the pair.

Pappa is more worried about Sammy than his own health.  We do know that once Sammy dies, Pappa is not far from following.

There is something so endearing about the two of them.  Pappa is gentle with Sammy…and Sammy is most loyal to his “daddy”

They have been through the ringer together….

When I was there over the weekend, Pappa was in his chair…and of course Sammy in his own, and I heard Pappa say:

“Life couldn’t be better eh Sammy boy, you in your chair, me in mine…life is good”

Yes it is Pappa…life is good.

strength…

Since I turned 30, my body has changed.  I guess everyone’s changes.  When I turned 30 I had 2 major surgeries 4 weeks apart.  3 years later, I had another major surgery.  I was poked and prodded at least monthly for a good year or 2.  So much in fact that it just didn’t phase me anymore.  Since this I have been able to listen closely to what my body is telling me.

So I am back to a specialist on Monday.  I am not scared about the appointment or of the tests…like I said…this lifestyle has become the norm for me.

I do get scared about getting answers I really don’t want to hear.  I do get scared that I may need to face yet another surgery.

I have taken each blow with grace and with strength.  I struggled but I made it. And I suppose that I will continue to grow and become stronger than I was before.

I am a lot stronger than what I give myself credit for.

I’ve proved it to myself over and over again.

he’s gone…

They say that it is somehow easier to deal with death when someone you love dies from a long illness.  I’d like to know who “they” are.  I have some questions.

My godfather passed away last night.  I have known for some time that he was dying.  I was able to say my good bye’s and spend some time with him while he was still “him”.

For that, I am grateful.

I don’t think that knowing he was dying made anything easier.  Everyone is dying.  We know that we are all going to die someday…so really it shouldn’t come as a surprise.  I think knowing that he was dying just made me cry longer.  I’ve cried more than I care to admit these past couple of months over his impending death…and now he is gone.

I cried when I received the news, I cried before I fell asleep…and I woke up this morning and cried some more.

I am forever grateful that he didn’t suffer much.  I will be forever grateful that he is now in peace and no longer fighting this demon we call cancer.  I will be forever grateful that I had such a wonderful man in my life…for 34 years.  I will be forever grateful for all the memories I have inside my heart.

But knowing that he was dying didn’t take away the grief.  It just took away the element of surprise I suppose.

Knowing that he was dying didn’t comfort or soothe me.  It didn’t make any of this better.

I have dealt with people dying unexpectedly and now I have dealt with someone slowly dying.  I can’t say one trumps the other in grief.  Equal grief…death is death is death.

And he’s gone.  And my heart feels like it’s been trampled on.

I know it gets better.  I know that this too shall pass.

But right now…in this moment…I don’t feel ok.  I don’t want to feel ok.  I want him back happy and healthy.  I want things to be like they were before.

I know…I know.  No can do.

My belly hurts…I think it’s my heart really…hiding, cause it needs to mend a little.

I love you nouno. 

I miss you so much.

and so it goes…

I must say that i am happy to see 2007 go.
Not that it was a terrible year, but it wasn’t the greatest…no it wasn’t.

2007 was a year of sickness…of illness.  True I had health battles of my own, but it is not my own that have affected me.  People I care about, people that had a profound effect on my life, people that I love, and people that I love facing illness with those that they love.  A vicious circle of life i suppose.

2008 didn’t start off so great either.  On the 4th of January, a beloved pup had to be put down.  He was a wonderful dog, and I loved him so much although he wasn’t “mine”.  He was my partners dog that her ex had “custody” of.  Some people call the dynamics of our relationship “weird”.  Weird that we all get along so well and choose to stay in eachother’s lives.  Because of this “weird” relationship I was allowed to spend his last night cuddled up in bed with him, to say my goodbyes.  I sometimes think that losing a pet is harder than losing a human.  I’m not so sure.  I will let you know.  I sit here at home looking at all the collars, once occupied by the fur children i once had…they just sit there as reminders…like all things…everything must end.
On Chritmas Eve, I went and said good bye to my godfather.  He is dying from liver cancer.  It was bitter sweet…however I am grateful that I had the opportunity.  He wanted to die at home…and I just found out today that he was transferred to a hopsital.  He will never go home again.  He is a proud man….who has lost his dignity from this cruel thing called cancer.  I can cry and say it isn’t fair that he die like this.  But like he told me….life is for the living and death is for those who have lived.  I wish for him a quick and painless death.  I ultimately wish for him to live forever, but since that is not in the nature of living…i’ll stop my wishing.  This man is my second father.  I feel such a loss, although he still is here.

I am hoping 2008 gets better…I don’t want it to be known as the year of death and dying.
I believe that i have come to an age, where this death business will be alot more common than not.  It’s a part of living…the cycle of life.  Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like a son of a bitch.

I’ve never been good with death…I am not so sure many of us are.  I see others around me so stoic, so strong…and i find myself crumbling into a million little pieces.  Odd since I am freakishly strong in every other aspect of my life.

And so, I hope for a wonderful year full of love and happiness…because although all i seem to be talking about in this post is depressing…there was much good in 2007.  I love and am loved…i have my friends and my family.  I have made new friends and am surrounded by love each and every single day.  That’s gotta count for something.  The pain is part of the package, and i guess i am ok with that…i have no choice really.  I’ll take the pain because all the good i have certainly does outweigh it…it just doesn’t feel that way at the moment.