I am not out to my family.
The mere thought of telling them frightens me.
I come from a very old school European family…they frown upon anything outside of our cultural norm. Telling my family I am gay would make them disown me forever.
But I’m gay. It’s obvious it’s not a phase…I am with the love of my life…and hope to spend the rest of my days with her. We talk about marriage, we talk about children…we talk and we want.
But I cannot do all these things in the closet. I cannot even keep up with my lies anymore. I know that i will feel a sense of peace when i do eventually come out…but again, the mere thought of doing it scares me.
I am not ready to lose them…although they do not know (how they don’t know is beyond me) I love having them in my life. To have them not is not something i am ready to face.
My partner doesn’t pressure me either way. She supports all my decisions…supports me as her partner, as her lover.
One day I hope to find that back bone of mine…and be able to stand strong and tell my family the way it is…and walk away and be ok with the fact that i have lost them forever.
I am not so young anymore…and the clock is ticking for me in terms of having a baby. I was born to be a mom…and it’s sad that I am letting my fear of their reaction stop me from doing what it is that I have always wanted to do.
Just getting it out there…so it’s not lingering inside of me.
