“Squish head, squish head, roley poley squish head. Eat ‘em up yum. Eat ‘em…up…YUUUMMM”
where ever you are, where ever that may be…i hope someone is singing you your song.
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Category Archives: love
Jerry owned me the second I saw her. She was so tiny….the kind of tiny you are afraid to hold in your hands. So tiny I had to stimulate her..ahem…”down there” to get her to go to the bathroom.
She could barely groom without falling over. Watching her learn was hilarious! Her meow to this day is barely audible…and her hiss…laughable. She makes the effort but there is no sound. (although come to think of it, she never hisses anymore…maybe she is too embarrassed.)
We thought Jerry was a boy…hence the name. After she was about 6 months old and examining many many diagrams on line lol…he was definitely a she.
Jerry had her own room in the house. God forbid she would want to socialize. She would cry to get in and stay there for hours…alone.
Thankfully somewhere along the line she did a 360…and became the most loveable, most social kitty.
You can’t not love jerry. She makes sure of it. The second anyone walks into the house…she is all over them like white on rice. She is a total flirt (I’d like to think I taught her something) If someone sleeps over…I can forget about seeing her till the morning…if I’m lucky.
There’s something about jerry. Could be that even tho she is almost 3, she has a lot of kitten like qualities. Her face is very kitten like, her teeth…are still baby teeth…and I don’t think she could weigh more than 5 pounds.
It could be the way she holds me down as I am sleeping…and I awaken to her sandpaper tongue on my lips. No matter how much I try to move…she is always able to kiss me like crazy. Could be the way she meows at me first thing when I get out of bed and we say our good mornings. Could be the way she understands when you ask her for a hug, or the way she leans into you just so to get a hug of her own.
Every day is special with jerry. We celebrate her birthday every single month. No..not like a crazy cat lady party…just a little extra lovin’ on that day. She will be 2 and a half in a couple of weeks. Each birthday we get a little bit more anxious, every time her nose is a little too pale a little too long…we worry. Every time she sleeps a little too long we wonder.
Jerry was given anywhere from 1.5 yrs to 3 yrs to live. She has a huge hole in that tiny heart of hers.
She lives her life, as if she doesn’t know. She loves hard…she plays crazy and rests when she needs to.
I really don’t think she knows…so I ain’t telling her.
Watch…she’ll outlive us all.
They say the “firsts” are the hardest. You know, the first holiday, first birthday… the firsts.
The firsts were hard. The fact that this was my first birthday (or should I say OUR first birthday) without you…well it was a sorrow I can’t really define. Christmas…every Saturday night…when you would visit. The absence was eerily obvious.
Life has a crazy way of moving on. A part of me wants the world to stop occasionally. I don’t want it to forget you.
It doesn’t hurt as much as I expected it to. I think because I have convinced myself that where you are now has got to be better than where you were the last few months before you died. I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. Knowing you are free from pain and not suffering is somewhat a comfort to me.
It doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. Because I do. I don’t think a day has gone by where you haven’t crossed my mind.
So much has happened in a year. I wish you could have met your “grand daughter”. You would have been crazy in love with her.
It’s sad what has unraveled in your absence. The downward slope nouna has taken…it’s not her fault…but it’s hard to watch.
Sad, that no one deems it important to put up a tombstone…so we can visit you…lay flowers for you…just sit and talk to you. Sad that it seems the people who carry your blood, will not carry on your legacy.
You deserved so much more than that.
One year ago today…you died. It sat in the pit of my stomach all day. An ache. A missing. I miss you so very much.
BUT I won’t sit here and mourn you (although I think I am allowed to just a little)
I am celebrating everything you were. What you represented. Who you were as a person…the very significant role you played in my life.
I am celebrating your life.
I will never forget you nouno.
But I do miss you. Crazy miss you.
I saw the stars tonight. I made sure to look.
Thank you for the stars.
Who said?
Me probably…many times lol.
Over the past few years I have turned into one of those people who LOVE all the one on one romantic gestures. I’m such a mush ball.
We woke up Saturday and got ready for our romantic weekend getaway. We dropped the pup off at the ex’s and headed to the heart of the city.
We thought somewhere romantic could still be close to home…and god were we right.
Our room was just beautiful. We had a view of the whole city…a blanket of snow keeping us tucked in the room I never wanted to leave anyways!
We had a kitchenette…marble counters…a wine rack…a king size bed that felt like I was sleeping on a cloud.
We checked in and got ready for dinner.
We headed to our favourite little Indian restaurant and sat there for hours…enjoying the food, enjoying eachother…it was amazing. We even got a free side dish and desert. I always love going to that place…everyone is always so good to us…and the food…well the food couldn’t get any better!!
The gift shop was closed by the time we got back…and the ONLY downfall to this hotel was that they had ONE pop machine…and it was out of order. So we got dressed again and headed to a convenience store in a snow storm to get some bevies to last us through the night.
Elle Bee presented me with 3 white roses…just because.
See why my heart is bigger than my head????
It was just beautiful. It was great to spend so much one on one time. No animals…no phone calls…no interference…just me and Elle Bee…stuck in a beautiful hotel on a stormy night.
And so the morning came…quicker than I anticipated…quicker than I wanted. We got ready and headed out for brunch…laughed so hard we cried…to things only we would find amusing lol.
We went shoe shopping, and despite Elle Bee’s total hate on for Uggs…bought me a pair (does Elle Bee not realize I need a few more pairs of skinny jeans to go with them? Lmao)
Then we headed off to pick up the much missed pup and headed home.
Now I am watching Sunday night just fade away…and feel a little melancholy.
No matter how amazingly wonderful it is to get away…there is a certain comfort to returning home.
Nothing comforting about returning to work tho…I can tell you that much.
Oh…and wouldn’t you know that at that hotel…there were 3 parties going on…I guess Holiday Parties….as I read the list…Sunnybrook was there partying it up. Odd? Yes. Small world? Oh yes. Of all the hotels in all the city…
Gone.
Well almost!
2 more sleeps and I am being whisked away.
Elle Bee is kidnapping me for the weekend!!!!
We are going to a far away land, where we can be alone…with eachother…just us.
No critters, no phones, no computers, no work.
Just me and Elle Bee…
<happy sigh>
Romantic dinner, bottle of wine…dark café with rich deserts and fancy shmancy coffees…and lots of one on one time…quality time alone.
Of course on my way home tonight, I made a pit stop at La Vie En Rose and picked up something perdy.
Meeeeoooooow!
I’m so excited I feel like a school girl going to the prom.
So tomorrow is my staff Xmas party that was rescheduled…and then 2 amazing days away from the hustle and bustle that has become our lives.
Can it get better than this??? I really don’t think so.
What’s yours?
Do you thrive on conflict or do you cower from it? Do you instigate a fight or do you brush everything aside…and then blow like a friggin bomb?
Inquiring minds want to know.
I am a CRAZY Greek bitch lol
I kid (sorta), although some of my ex’s may care to disagree (this could be why they are ex’s lol)
I have been involved with all sorts. I have had the relationship that only worked if there was conflict. My partner was never happy unless there was something to argue about. Full blown crazy, certifiable arguments. It got to the point where I would pick a little drama just to get them mad enough to leave…so I could have peace…quiet. I didn’t like the drama so I created some to make it go away. That would give me MY place to myself…me and my dog…in peace and harmony.
Then there was the relationship where conflict never happened. A fight would never ever happen unless it was something sooooo over the edge…that my partner had no choice. Even then their voice was barely audible…no spine…no backbone….it was peaceful, but a lot remained unresolved…and gave room for resentment to grow. Funnily enough our biggest arguments happened after we were over.
I don’t like conflict. I don’t know many who do. I think that when you are involved with someone…that you learn how to fight fair. You need to learn their fight style and work together…even in discord. No matter how heated or how emotional it may get…you need to be fair. All sounds good in theory no?
I can get “crazy bitch on your ass” in point 2 seconds. No problem. Lol
I try and keep peace…but like anyone…things set me off. I have triggers. I can have a “normal” argument…until you get in my face. All bets are off at that point…and the poor soul who is standing in front of me has met their match. Could be the Greek in me…could be the Sag in me…or it could just be me.
I will fight like the best of ‘em…but when you try to stop me from moving…from walking away…there is no talking to me. I lose all judgment when someone tries to physically restrain me…doesn’t let me move.
I’m the type of girl who needs to think about what just happened. I need my space, so I don’t say things I don’t mean…so I can chew on everything my partner has just said. So I can put my words together so we can yell it out like mature adults. By “making” me talk about things right there and then…well it ain’t gonna be pretty.
I have thrown clothing out of the closet…I have thrown things out the front door lmao.
If my partner is cruel to me…I can return the favour 10 fold…aim to hurt…to maim…
I can forget in seconds ALL the reasons I ever fell in love. I really can. I am a light switch.
I’ve never denied my cold hearted Paula Abdul nature. Fuck with me…I’ll fuck you right back…and not in a good way.
But what I’ve learned? Is that when you find someone…that you *know* in the depths of your soul that you love…more than anything and anyone…you grow tolerance…and respect…even in the midst of chaos.
That is my fighting style. Crazy Greek bitch going all kung foo like on yer ass. Lol.
I kid…again…sorta. But I’ve had my moments.
My friends stories are the best. Like my one friend throwing a can of timmies at their partners head. I laugh at that…only because she has bad aim and didn’t come close…and the person she was aiming for was my much disliked ex. Lol
My most angry moment was slamming one of my ex’s car door…as I made a dramatic exit. The door never opened again lol
The classic and oldest story in the book was a friend of mine finding out her guy was cheating on her…and pierced all his condoms with a pin.
Someone certainly did get knocked up that year….
Then there is a story of a girl who got so pissed off at her partner…that she dropped her pants and shit all over the floor. LMAO. She certainly showed her partner…she was full of shit. Gotta take that story with a grain of salt…but how fukin funny would that be if it’s really true? The visuals will haunt me forever!
So that’s my story…
I’m just as giddy as a school girl…staying up later than I should be…having a glass of wine…and looking out the window smiling…it looks like it’s a work from home day tomorrow kids…and that….makes me a happy goddess.
No fighting over here.
Just gives me more time for monkey love lol.
I came across something I wrote a long time ago and this line stuck out for me:
“I am aware that people you had intended on loving forever are just that…people…and all good intentions aside…no one person can make such a promise.”
Forever.
I plan on a forever. I never have before…and sometimes the mere mention of that word is enough to make me shrink into a corner and wither from worry.
I used to say I never believed in forever. I think I believed in it…I just don’t think it believed in me.
I wanted the forever deal. You know, grow old with someone…be their world, be their life mate. I was just scared that I wouldn’t find it…and so I turned my back on it…and taught myself to believe that I really never wanted it to begin with.
I made myself believe I wanted to play the field, I wanted to be free and have no commitments. I wanted new and exciting moments…I wanted the opposite of routine. I wanted the excitement of the honeymoon stage…but I wanted nothing more to do with it when it felt comfortable. I wanted the first fight and the make up sex…but then as did everything else in my life…it got old. I made myself believe that waking up next to the same person over and over, year after year…was like a death sentence.
But look at me? Miss afraid of commitment…has always had long term commitments. Doesn’t make much sense does it?
I loved these people…all very differently…one actually I don’t think I loved at all. Maybe at the beginning…but I think I was young and had confused “playing house” as love.
Ahhh I rambled.
It was when those relationships ended and I was free…that I believed I was happiest. I could do what I wanted when I wanted. I could stumble home at any hour and not have any explaining to do. I could reciprocate flirting…and take it to a whole other level. I would be the one just wanting the night of fun…but it was so hard to find someone who wanted the same thing…you would think it would be easy…but no…I can tell you it was not.
I closed off my heart to love. Refused to *feel* or better yet, acknowledge that emotion.
I was a cold hearted bitch…and I was ok with that. That’s what I wanted everyone I ever became involved with to believe.
I probably have lost some amazing people…but everything happens for a reason…AND if I am being honest…I don’t miss any of my “almosts”.
I love waking up in the arms of the same person. I love loving the same person over and over and over again. It doesn’t get stale…it doesn’t get old. It actually just keeps getting better and better.
I take the word “forever” with a grain of salt…and realize when it’s being said to me right now..in this very moment…it is with good intentions.
It is not a false promise…it is today’s promise…filled with a life time of possibilities.
I’ll take that any day.
I needed quiet time. I needed “shhhhhh” Although how I get that in a home with 5 critters is the question.
Over indulding…over eating, over drinking, over loading…go-big-or-go-home-goddess-like things.
Go go go!
Tonight I said stop.
Socially over stimulated, old friends, new friends, family, laughter…and more laughter…happy tears…over-loving…wait no…that’s not right…
An abundance of love…tears because of love, smiles because of love…monkey love heh heh. Never too much monkey love!
I put on the brakes tonight. I wanted some time…to recoup and regroup.
Take a break from the break.
I am spent and content.
I welcomed the noise…now I welcome the quiet.
I made the decision the other night to venture out into the village. I haven’t made an appearance there since…oh…August I think. Drinks and old friends and catching up…and love…hugs…the kind that take your breath away…the kind that make you wonder why you stayed away so long. The kind that only someone who loves you can give you.
Over stimulation I say.
And I loved every single bit of it.
Tonight is hushed and quiet…and calm and reflective. So many moments floating through this head of mine that I am sure I have a million things to write about.
But I already broke my first promise to myself tonight. I am not supposed to be here. If I am “talking” I am not being quiet now am I?
I can’t help it tho…
Even tho I’m quiet…my heart has so much to say.
But i won’t. Not tonight.
I am off to bed with a good book…and my run away carcass eating dog…who incidentally has gas that could kill a small village…
But anyways…that’s for another day lol
I’m off…g’nite
A few nights ago…1am…my crackberry goes off.
I was thinking it was Elle Bee, giving me a sweet good night message.
Nope.
It was “the ex”
All it said was “u awake”
I said “yes”
“can u call me” was the response.
Oy vay.
Call the ex. I can’t remember the last time we had a phone conversation more than 3 words. It’s usually when we have to do the civil custodial doggy exchange. The ex asks me to come outside and get the dog…because god forbid they actually come in to my home. The “current” sits in the car and flashes me that fake smile, and a half assed wave…and I too return the all too fake favour. Not too sure what stops me from flashing her the finger…but I digress.
The “ex” says they had a fight. It was pretty cryptic…and the ex was actually very respectful and not blaming the current…the “ex” just needed a friend.
Isn’t that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic.
(I have always wanted a reason to use that line…and well this seemed like the only and most appropriate time lmao)
Friend. Hmm.
We had discussed during our breakup that a friendship was something that was important to both of us. Considering, as I have said before…that that is where we had started…we would do what we could to maintain it. A friendship like that is a rarity…or so I had believed.
Sure we send eachother emails…we keep eachother up to date…we joke, we laugh but we pretty much keep anything serious out of conversation’s way.
It had developed into a non-friendship if you will. Almost an obligation.
I didn’t think too much of it. I mean sure a small part of me had wished it were somehow different…but it is what it is right? You can’t change it…you just accept it.
I know the ex harbored strong feelings for me. I was the one who ended it. It’s always harder on the one being left. It was hard on me to make that decision…but I was not the one still in love…and apparently blindsided.
I have invited them both into my home. I have invited them for dinner. I have invited them over just because. Every single invitation declined. For God’s sake…they don’t even come into my home to give me my dog. I thought maybe it was hard for the ex…being that this was their home for a while…but nah….
I’ve been around enough to know better.
So the truth started to come out in our conversation. How the ex loves me as a friend. Defends our friendship to the current and claims to mention that they will never stop being my friend. Basically the current needs to deal with it.
Such a manly thing to say…and yet…nothing about us screams out “friends”.
So the ex says…the current is uncomfortable with us being friends. Quelle shocker!!! NOT.
The current can hang out with an old fuck buddy…but the ex cannot hang out with me because it’s “different”. Go figure. “can’t” hang out with me. I wanted to tell the ex to grow a set…but decided against it.
The ex says that the current is somewhat valid in her feelings. After all they were friends first so she had to hear about how much the ex was inlove with me…how the ex has never loved someone like me etc.
I kinda get it…
BUT
Get over it!!!!!!
I have moved on. The ex has moved on. I have no desire to ever get back with my ex. The ex is an ex for a reason….no thank you.
They love eachother…they have committed to eachother…hell there are even rings involved.
So get over it!!!!!!
I am not going to beg for a friendship. It’s not my style. I have given much opportunity to have the current get to know me…to see that I am no threat….to see that her “catch” is the fish I gladly threw back into the ocean.
I just listened…of course I gave the “ex” some grief for how they are handling it all. I gotta be me lol.
But the next day I sent an email to the ex…saying it was nice to talk again (and it really was)
That my offer still stands…they are both welcome to my home. The invitation is open…
However…I will not ask again.
I won’t beg. Never have never will.
I find it amusing tho…that my whole adult life…any woman I have ever known (or should I say…not known) has perceived me as a threat.
To all those women I say…if I wanted what you got…I never would have let them go. On to bigger and better things…
Get a grip and grow up. Deal with your insecurities.
Being insecure doesn’t hold on to your other half…it only makes them question if they did the right thing by being with you.
“your” love is on the phone with me…questioning YOUR relationship.
Let it go woman or you will lose what you believe to be “the one”.
Yeah…I know I AM all that…but I don’t want what I already had lol
God I crack myself up.
This woman cracks me up even more.
That is all…vent over.
Being on vacation and it being the holiday season…has made the days run into eachother.
I have to actually think about what day of the week it is.
My vacation has been long over due…my body is enjoying the “rest”.
I am not too sure how much rest you can get celebrating, but it’s been nice not to have to worry about getting to the office (although I will be going in tomorrow on my own time just to finish off some things before 2008 passes us by)
Christmas was amazing. I managed to get spoiled crazy!!! My body is sore from the wii fit. I can tell you tho that I got some mad hula hoop skills kids. Lol
I got pretty much everything I asked for and then some.
My niece made Christmas all the more special. I have my facebook riddled with pictures of her…so if you are on there go take a look at the gorgeousness that is my niece.
It was wonderful…all of it. Elle Bee and I opening gifts in the early morning…sitting by the tree, drinking coffee. Everything I got meant something…so well thought out…so nice to have someone in your life that listens to you…and captures what’s important…and holds on to it…
Oh I am babbling…but my point was that it was awesome.
This year was the best Christmas I have ever had…ever.
You know what’s scary? Today was even more awesome. A Monday spent at the Laundromat. ‘Tis true.
We had so much fun. Throwing clothes in the washers…going for a bite to eat and then coming back to fold together….I am pretty sure we made everyone around us want to vomit. I am sure they felt the moony moony vibes a mile away. Not like we were sucking face or anything like that…but really…have you ever seen people excited about laundry?? Lol
No one could shit on our parade. Lol
I had the luxury of an early evening nap….and so I am pretty much wide awake right now. Hence the blog of rambles.
Tomorrow I will start to get the house ready for the next celebration. New Years Eve. I am excited!!! Nothing like good company, good food, some drinks and a new start.
Everything is going where I want it to go…
Everything is feeling so right…everything feels as it should…
And I feel perfect…I feel magical…I feel blessed.
I AM blessed.
I am off to try and get some shut eye.
Hope your Xmas was as magical and beautiful as mine.
