“Squish head, squish head, roley poley squish head. Eat ‘em up yum. Eat ‘em…up…YUUUMMM”
where ever you are, where ever that may be…i hope someone is singing you your song.
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Category Archives: sad
They say the “firsts” are the hardest. You know, the first holiday, first birthday… the firsts.
The firsts were hard. The fact that this was my first birthday (or should I say OUR first birthday) without you…well it was a sorrow I can’t really define. Christmas…every Saturday night…when you would visit. The absence was eerily obvious.
Life has a crazy way of moving on. A part of me wants the world to stop occasionally. I don’t want it to forget you.
It doesn’t hurt as much as I expected it to. I think because I have convinced myself that where you are now has got to be better than where you were the last few months before you died. I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone. Knowing you are free from pain and not suffering is somewhat a comfort to me.
It doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. Because I do. I don’t think a day has gone by where you haven’t crossed my mind.
So much has happened in a year. I wish you could have met your “grand daughter”. You would have been crazy in love with her.
It’s sad what has unraveled in your absence. The downward slope nouna has taken…it’s not her fault…but it’s hard to watch.
Sad, that no one deems it important to put up a tombstone…so we can visit you…lay flowers for you…just sit and talk to you. Sad that it seems the people who carry your blood, will not carry on your legacy.
You deserved so much more than that.
One year ago today…you died. It sat in the pit of my stomach all day. An ache. A missing. I miss you so very much.
BUT I won’t sit here and mourn you (although I think I am allowed to just a little)
I am celebrating everything you were. What you represented. Who you were as a person…the very significant role you played in my life.
I am celebrating your life.
I will never forget you nouno.
But I do miss you. Crazy miss you.
I saw the stars tonight. I made sure to look.
Thank you for the stars.
I sent P an email a couple of weeks ago. I was very non confrontational and basically just told him I was concerned about where his addiction was leading him. I wondered aloud that if crashing his car through a beer store at 3:30 in the morning wasn’t a sign that he had a drinking problem…then what was? Nevermind breaking into your own parents house to empty their fridge with whatever alcohol they had. His own parents.
I said that I was sending the email out of love and not to lecture him or get his back up.
His addiction does not stop at alcohol…he is also a heavy drug user…both street and prescription drugs.
I told him I was pointing out what I have seen over the years…a slow and painful death of someone I love more than the world itself. I asked him to email me back.
He checked his email…then proceeded to change his facebook picture to one of him giving the camera the finger. Message received P.
No…fuck you and your addictions.
This all sucks major ass.
Life is about tests. A series of events that test you and make you question who you are, question the core of your soul.
People…things…make you second guess yourself. Situations, turn of events. Everything is a series of tests….but not the kind you pass or fail.
I am not about fame or wealth. I do not take front row in the popularity contest of life. I live quite simply. I live quietly and I am quite content doing so.
I come from the school of thought where I believe in treating everyone equally. I am no better than those around me…and I am no worse.
I wear the shoe on the other foot most of the time. When someone I care about is in pain, I too feel that pain. I would do whatever I could to make them feel better, to put a smile on their face. I treat everyone the way I desire to be treated. I respect everyone’s emotions…feelings, whether they mirror my own or not. I listen to those who need someone to listen, because everyone has a story that needs telling. I do what I can to live this life as a good person.
I do not live my life as a good person for the brownie points it may give me when this living is done. I do not read and live the bible. I believe in a higher being…who or what that is, is unclear to me, yet I believe in “something”. I live my life as a good person because that is how I am wired.
It just doesn’t make sense to me why I would try to live it any other way. I am not saying I am a saint…I have made my mistakes…but I live my life today…being as good as I can…do the best that I can do…and I live comfortably in my skin.
I don’t expect anything in return. Only respect.
I wonder why it still shocks me when someone takes advantage of my kindness…takes advantage of my empathy…to only benefit themselves.
I am not a game, nor a toy…I am not to be played with.
But I am sitting here tonight…wondering how my kindness to a mere stranger was used to manipulate me…to be so disrespected…
How I constantly turn a blind eye and allow people to walk all over all that is me.
Why it is me who sits here and wonders how this could happen???
I guess it’s game over…another lesson learned.
I am sure when this disappointment wanes, I too shall be thankful for this.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger….
Lather, rinse, repeat
