you think i don’t know…

but i do.

You think your efforts are cleaverly disguised…and that i would never know the lengths you go to..
to get a glimpse of the life i live…that does not include you.

but i know.

I know that you look in on me…i know that you check in on me…and the way that you have found my “safe place” is beyond healthy.
Back off…I am not interested…I have no desire to date you, to bed you, to love you.
I have no desire to share the personal…sacred parts of myself with you…
And you going waaaay out of your way to find this…is way too creepy.
Get a hobby, one that doesn’t include stalking me.  Cause this is what it is that you are doing.

I have been nothing but nice up to this point.  Don’t make me take out my bitch card.  It’s not pretty.
You think i don’t know…but i do. 
I know….so i kindly suggest that you stop doing what you are doing.  because what you are doing could be interpreted as harassment…and I’ve been too nice and too quiet for far too long.

Don’t push me…this bitch will bite.

bleh…

I’m sick and miserable.
I’ve had a fever for over 24 hrs…and have taken more baths than i can count.
My partner went to visit her parents this weekend…the one weekend I had all to myself I got sick.
I couldn’t even make it outta bed this morning…so i called in sick.  I spent the day in and outta sleep…spent the waking moments feeling guilty for not being at work.  Cause we all know that the office just can’t function without me (:

I had big plans of writing, listening to music, cleaning and just “being” while she was away.  Just sitting in the house on my own and doing my own thing (not that i don’t do that when she is here mind you)
Instead i spent the weekend in my pj’s sulking and whining and wishing she were here to take care of me.
I actually got dressed today and went to the store to buy some comfort foods…the major one being some Ben and Jerry’s ice cream therapy…if that doesn’t make me better nothing will!!!
I’m afraid the sugar just made me feel worse (i don’t do sugar…normally).
So i’m just sitting here all stuffed up and coughing up a lung, drinking liquid like it’s going outta style and staring at the tv.  Hopefully i’ll be able to make it to work tomorrow…without me they are nothing lol.
The wife will be home at 2…so at least i get my cuddle partner back…
OK, my whine is over…off to go take some drugs so i can actually get some sleep.
Hope the rest of you are better off than I am!!

her addiction

I received an email from my “best friend” yesterday.  After nobody knowing her where abouts or if she was dead or alive…she has resurfaced.

Her email was cold, angry…lacking any sort of emotion.  It actually threw me into a rage.  I quickly hit the “respond” button…sat for a bit…and then shut off the computer.  My motto this year is “let it go”.

A little background…a little history.

My best friend (and I use that term loosely) is a drug addict.  Her parents have spent thousands of dollars to get her rehabilitated.  Sometimes the rehab works for months but she always goes back to life style that has been killing her soul.

She used to be the person I would trust my life with.  She was my best friend and confidant…and once upon a time I would have given my own life to save hers.  Sounds dramatic I know, but it’s the truth.

She was the type of person that I could sit with for hours in complete silence and feel satisfied.  The one I could talk to for hours and feel like we didn’t talk enough.  The one I would share all my secrets with…

She was my best friend in every sense of the word.  Over 11 years.

The first time she went missing killed me.  I couldn’t fathom losing her…I couldn’t even begin to understand what it was she was going through.  I believed in her and our love…believed she would overcome anything…and that I would help her.

But nothing changed.  She always went back to the drug.  A sordid love affair I could never understand. I slowly realized I could not save her. 

Many moons ago I promised her I would never leave her.  And I never did.  It dawned on me that it was HER that left me.

I grew tired of the calls from her mother crying begging me to help.  I grew so very tired of calling people I didn’t even know to see if they had heard from her…tired of visiting not so safe places in search of her addict friends.

So I grew a thick skin and said good bye to the girl I once knew.  That girl is dead.  Her replacement is anything but desirable.  

So this email that she sent me yesterday was acknowledging that we no longer had a relationship and that it was her doing.  She wished me well in my life…and then ended it with a feel sorry story.  I can’t feel sorry for her…and I don’t.

In the past I would have responded, but not this time.  This email is from a complete stranger…my best friend died years ago…SHE would never get the email.

She’s been clean for 14 days.  I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard that.  I wish this person well and pray that she makes me…and my best friend proud.

Sad to say…but I am not holding my breath.

open letter to my stalker…

At first when you asked me to the movies, I passed the offer because I was not interested and didn’t want to hurt your feelings.  To be fair, I also didn’t know if this was a friend wanting to hang out, or something more.

When you persisted for another 3-4 weeks and I either politely declined or didn’t respond all together…I was under the assumption you would get the hint.

Oh..i should never assume.

I am flattered that you are attracted to me and have a little boy crush…

However, I am not flattered at the number of emails you send me over WORK email, demanding that I speak to you.

I am not flattered that you constantly call my number (we work together) and then when I do not answer you take it upon yourself to walk by my desk and see if I am there.

I was getting ready to write you an email telling you all these things…and then you came to my desk…nothing short of yelling at me.

I’m sorry…what makes you think you have the right to speak to me like that at all???

I’ve made my mistake in all of this…my mistake was I worried about hurting your feelings…but I realize now that you needed a big, loud, over the top NO.

You asked me when my “yes” became a “no”

Huh???????

My answer was never yes…not once ever did I say “yes” to your advances.

I told you I would not tolerate this at work any more…and I think you finally got it through your head.

Oh…and it kinda creeps me out that the reason you are attracted to me is because you think I would make a good mom….

Usually it’s cause someone thinks I’m pretty, or funny, or I have a great personality.  I am glad that you were looking at me as a potential breeder.

I know that I am totally stomping on your ego here…and I feel badly for that…I do.

 

This could be a very big indication as to why you are single.  Please get a clue, and please stop being pushy!  Your persistence does NOT pay off.

Girls do not like to be stalked…even the gay chicks

Oh…I guess I didn’t mention that.  Ahem…

Yeah…tis true.

But even if I weren’t…your persistence is scary…it’s creepy…and so is that temper of yours when you don’t seem to get your way.

Chicks don’t dig stalkers…so stop it already!!!

silence…

I used to love the sound of a quiet home.  Knowing that there was nobody there but me.  I often wake in the middle of the night…and those nights that I used to have the place to myself were so peaceful.  I would force myself to stay awake, to savor the moments of aloneness.

I woke up around 3am this morning.  I knew my partner “should” be home from work.  I went to the living room to find she was still not home.  I felt panicked and called her.  She was on her way…

 

I’ve been thinking about it all morning.  How the silence in the house last night was disturbing.  It wasn’t welcomed and I didn’t feel at peace.  The silence felt threatening and uncomfortable.  That is what my house would sound like all the time if she were not there.  I got a very small glimpse of my world without her in it…and it bothered me.

With every other partner I have had I welcomed that silence…begged for it really. I felt too confined…too smothered.  So the break away from them was like a mini vacation.

 

For the first time in my life…I welcome the noise…even the chaos.  I don’t want the silence anymore…cause the silence means she’s not there.  

I want her there.

after the beginning

I have the place to myself this evening.  It’s such a rare occurrence.  As much as I love my partner, I do miss my alone time.

But as I sit here alone, in my thoughts…I find that it’s her that my mind takes me to.

It’s a new revelation for me really.

Just like any new love, I couldn’t spend enough time with her.  I would anxiously count down the days, the hours until I would see her again. 

The beginning.  It’s craziness!

Surviving on little or no sleep.  Staying up all night talking, exploring each other…and feeling so amazing in the morning.  Never mind the mind blowing sex.

After awhile…after time takes over and the relationship matures…things change.

Most times, people reflect and analyze and wonder…they wonder if this is what they signed up for.

Those endless nights of talking and lovemaking become random memories….you wonder how you ever did it.  Suddenly you prefer a good nights’ sleep over mind blowing sex.  You contemplate whether you really want to make the effort to shave your legs for some of that aforementioned sex. 

Suddenly where there used to be hours of talking, is the urge for quiet.

Suddenly real life gets in the way.  And that is where the test lies.

Am I complaining??? 

No…not at all.

It’s easy to survive the beginning.  Anyone can do it.  Anything that is new…is exciting and scary all in the same breath.

Surviving for the long haul?  That’s a whole other story.

I’m on a whole other level of love and emotional commitment.

My partner knows, without me ever having to say a word if I need a hug, if I need some time to be alone in my thoughts.  She knows when to pull me close and when to let me be.  She knows the little things that set my heart on fire.  She knows ME, and loves me more…loves me anyways.

The “mind blowing” sex.  Well it still blows my mind, but on a whole different level.  There is passion in her fingertips, in her touch…that only years of loving someone so deeply can give you.  Primal, animalistic sex becomes rhythmic and hypnotic.  A serenade that only the two of us know.  The act of sexual desire becomes the act of love..of oneness.  Where there once was the uncertainty of what would be the day after…is the certainty that tomorrow she will be there, wanting to love me all over again.

I not only have her body, but I have her heart.

I have her heart.

And once the day is done and I go to sleep…there is no other feeling in the world I would ever choose than having her beside me in bed, pulling me close, our bodies fitting together…as if they were born to fit that way.

No…I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

The beginning was amazing. The beginning was real and raw and intense. It was where we started. 

Where we are now, took a lot of emotional work, a lot of patience and a lot of love.  And we are no where near the end.

We have evolved, matured…morphed into who we are together…and who we are together is beautiful.

It is different than the beginning…

It is deeper and more soulful and more concrete. 

And so I sit here on a Friday night, missing her.  Wanting to be in her company…wanting to share my time with her…that time I once believed to be so personally sacred…I want to spend with her.

I miss her.

The beginning is long gone, but I’m not so sure I mourn the loss. 

Give me this…what I have now…

Give me this love that others only dream of…

She was worth the wait…and I finally believe, so was I.